Google=My Enemy

I’m not entirely sure why, but I can’t seem to stay off Google this time around.  I had no problem last cycle.  I think it’s because we’re going to have to make a decision if this one doesn’t work.  Last month, I knew we’d just head right into another IUI cycle.  Now, we have big decisions ahead of us.  More IUI’s, IVF, or adoption?

I was firmly set on domestic infant adoption.  The agency we met with only adds a certain number of families each year depending on their numbers from the year before.  On one hand, I really like this because I like that they keep things to a certain number so you have more of a chance of being picked and hopefully not have to wait years and years.  On the other hand, they only get to add 7 this year.  They added 4 in January and they will add 3 more in June.  If there’s more than 3 families ready to proceed, they put the names in a lottery and pick.

I thought DH and I were on the same page but it turns out, he’s not ready to give up on IVF.  I, on the other hand, am scared to death.  I barely managed to get 2 mature follicles this last time with 4 days of follistim.  What if we spend all that money on meds and I hardly produce any eggs?  How much will it hurt?  The follistim didn’t hurt at all, but I don’t know what meds we’ll be on or where they will need to be injected.  And, have any studies been done on how all those hormones effect women years down the road?  Are my chances of cancer going to be increased because of all the drugs I’m injecting myself with?  I should really try and research and see if there’s any answers to that one.  I’m not great at researching and finding what I want, but I should at least try I suppose.

Now that we finally have moved onto injectables, does it make sense to try a couple more IUI’s?  There’s a cyst like sac on my right ovary that’s been there the past couple months so if this cycle doesn’t end with a bfp, they want to do an ultrasound to see what’s going on.  Possibly do laproscopy to see if I do indeed have endometriosis since I’ve always had painful periods.  If I have it, and they get it taken care of, then would it make sense to try a couple more IUI’s?

So many questions and fears right now.  DH says the decision is ultimately up to me, but I don’t want to make that decision by myself.  I don’t want him to later resent me if I choose adoption and we can’t afford to do IVF at a later date.  On top of that, I’m 37…they make 37 sound ancient in the IF world.  I am lucky that I have the most supportive DH and Family that anyone could ask for and I have several friends that I’ve been able to confide in.  Most of them have kids so they don’t know what it’s like, but they listen and are supportive.  Ultimately, I just need to find a way to stay relaxed these next 2 weeks.  Easier said then done.  Especially when it won’t stop raining here in WI.

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