How did I do it?!

Birth control pills.  I was on them for 15-16 years and never had a problem.  I went off them when I moved home 6 years ago this weekend because I didn’t have health insurance.  My cycle had regulated itself and I no longer needed them for that reason.  They put me on them so we wouldn’t take a chance at getting pregnant before my surgery on the 6th.  I have acne, breast tenderness, cramping and nausea off and on.  I cannot wait to get off these stupid little pills!!!

On Hold

Good news….I get to put the IVF vs. Adoption decision on hold, at least for awhile.  I went to the clinic on Tuesday for a general ultrasound.  I also met the Dr. for the first time (I’ve always had a N.P or P.A. til now).  I really like her, although, I really like everyone I’ve worked with at the new clinic.  After looking at the pics from my ultrasound, she believes I have stage 2 or 3 endometriosis.  It amazes me that they are the first to suggest this when I’ve been having some of the symptoms since I was 15 or 16 years old!  I’m 37 now, that’s a lot of years!

Anyways, surgery is scheduled for June 6th.  Dr. Ryan believes that our chances of getting pregnant will go up about 30% after the surgery, she did not say whether this is naturally or through IUI but she did say that she doesn’t think we even need to contemplate IVF for at least 6 months.  I am on bcp until the surgery and then we can try on our own the cycle immediately following surgery.  We will also be on vacation then so maybe that will be helpful.  She said they will also dilate my cervix more than it needs to be so that should help with the cervical stenosis problem the month we try on our own and that just leaves the cervical fluid problem.  Hopefully, preseed will help with that.  She also said that if/when we do the next IUI, we will just use follistim.  She believes that the pills are really messing with my lining because they block estrogen and follistim will not do that.

I know most people do not look forward to surgery, but I am.  I wish schedules would allow me to get in sooner.  I am so happy to have some kind of answer on why the IUI’s haven’t been working.  I know this doesn’t guarantee that we will get pregnant naturally or with an IUI, but it gives me more hope that an IUI will work eventually.  Praying that I never have to make that IVF/Adoption decision.  We would still love to adopt one day, it’s something we planned on doing before we knew were infertile, but then we could do it on our own timeline.

A Mother’s Day Poem for us

I saw this poem on Facebook and shared it on my page.  I’ve officially outed myself.


“Happy Mother’s Day”
It comes around every year;
but when you have empty arms,
it’s very hard to hear.
It’s a day to celebrate a mother,
for all the trials she overcame;
and a reminder to an infertile
of her loneliness and shame.
But what really makes a mother,
Is it just conception and birth?
Or is there something more,
that shows a mother’s worth?
It’s putting your child first,
in everything you do;
it’s sacrifice and determination,
and love and patience too.
An infertile woman makes all her plans,
around a child not yet conceived;
she loves them even though they aren’t here,
more than she ever could have believed.
She appreciates and understands,
what a blessing that children are;
she works hard for just a chance,
that motherhood is not that far.
All odds are stacked against her,
and yet she still has hope;
everyday is another struggle,
finding ways to help her cope.
So even though her arms are empty,
she can still be a mother too;
So say a special “Happy Mother’s Day”
for those waiting for their dreams to come true!”

Beat up

My acupuncturist told me Sat. morning that it looks like someone’s been beating me up the past couple of days.  That someone is “life”.  About 2:30 Friday afternoon, I started having pain on my left side, went to the bathroom and I was spotting.  By a little after 4 (and 1 daycare kid left to be picked up) the pain was strong and constant.  I kept it together until little one was picked up and then immediately called my Mom bawling.  J was at the bank and cleaning my car out because the guy that bought it was coming to pick it up at 5:30.

I have to say my Mom is the most wonderful, supportive and empathetic Mom I could have ever asked for.  I hate, hate, hate living even 30 minutes away from her.  I don’t know how I managed spending 12 years 1100 miles away from her.   My Sister, Mom and I were supposed to be teaching a Young Living class Fri. night at my Mom’s house and instead of hanging out with 2 of my favorite people I was doubled over in pain with what I can only assume from past experience, was an ovarian cyst bursting.  If J hadn’t been due home soon, she would have jumped in her truck and come to my house to take care of me.  Who cares that people were due at her house in a couple hours!  I absolutely Love that Woman!!! 🙂

Instead, J got home and we decided not to go into urgent care as I am still paying on my ER bill from the last time I had a cyst burst almost 2 years ago before I had insurance.  And really, all they ever tell me is that I had an ovarian cyst and it burst.  No sense giving them money for that.  Instead, hubby brought my oils in, layered pan away and deep relief, and put a heating pad on top of that.  It helped, especially if I stayed laying down.  By this morning, my stomach was still a bit tender all over, but the intense pain was gone.

Now, here we are, 2 days later, Mother’s Day, and I feel pretty much normal again.  Sad and hurt that another IUI went bust, but happy to not be in pain.  As I sit here, waiting for J’s family to show up for a bbq that we’ll apparently be having in pouring rain now, I know that I am very Blessed in certain areas of my life.  I just wish that God would answer this prayer.  Our next step is waiting to hear from the clinic on Monday.  The nurse wanted to get me in for an ultrasound late this coming week but I guess the Dr. is out of town so she needs to check with her and see if she wants to squeeze me in on Tuesday or wait for the 19th.  I’m hoping she wants to squeeze me in.  I’d like to start figuring out if I have endometriosis or not and what our next steps will be.  J is all for IVF, I’m not so sure.  If any of you out there reading this have been through it, would you mind sharing your story with me?

Happy Mother’s Day to each and every one of you!  We may not physically have our babies yet, but they are already in our hearts!

Feeling Defeated

I don’t know why, but I just can’t get rid of this feeling today.  I’m feeling defeated financially, I’m feeling like I will never be pregnant (never mind that fact that I could be right now, yet I still feel this way), and just in other things that J (DH) and I have been dealing with.

We decided to sell my car, posted it on craigslist awhile ago and finally had a guy come look at it on Sunday.  He only wanted to do $8500, I mistakenly said $8750 (we’re already going to be taking a loss so I don’t know why I went any lower than $9000).  He said he couldn’t do it so I thought that was the end.  He ended up calling a couple days ago and said he’d go up to my price.  I started panicking yesterday and so wanted J to call him and tell him I changed my mind.  This is the first car I’ve really been attached to.  It’s a red kia soul and J and I have been on some pretty spectacular road trips in this car.  However, if we’re pregnant (testing in 2 days) it’s not big enough for a baby and the pup.

I hate feeling like this.  I’m a worrier by nature and have the hardest time giving these things over to God like I should.  I have been praying though and I’ve rubbed some release essential oil on so hopefully this feeling will lift soon.

Duh Moment!

Apparently have of my posts have been getting saved in drafts and not being posted.  How I didn’t notice this, I’m not sure.  Can I blame it on the hormones?  I’ll post them now.  🙂

Caution: Venting Ahead

As Infertiles, we endure pregnancy announcements constantly (or at least it feels like it).  If it’s not people we actually know, it’s celebrities.  Not once, but twice now, 2 of DH’s cousins (well 1 cousin and 1 cousin’s fiancé) have become pregnant in the last year and a half since we’ve gotten married.  Mind you, we’ve been ttc since before we got married (about 2 1/2 years).  Now, it hurts whenever someone I know or even if I don’t actually know them announces their pregnancy, but when it’s family that doesn’t even have the means to take care of the children they have, and they don’t bother to take precautions to not have more, it just pisses me off!!!  Like in a, if I had to actually see them in person I may rip their heads off, way.  Not only are we spending a fortune and going into debt just trying to get pregnant, but our hard earned dollars are also paying for their kids that they can’t afford!!  I am all about helping out those less fortunate, but when they don’t even attempt to stop pregnancies or better their lives so that they aren’t on Badgercare, WIC and foodstamps then let me have my damn money back for letrozole, follistim and IUI’s!  And I have to endure this woman’s wedding in a few weeks.  I already don’t like her because of some things she’s done to DH’s Aunt but DH didn’t feel like he could say no to be in the wedding.  It’s just so frustrating, especially while being stuck in the 2ww.  God, please grant me the ability to keep my mouth shut!