Daddies and their Daughters

It’s not often that I post twice in one day…heck…sometimes my life seems so boring I don’t post twice in a week or 3, lol.  However, earlier in the week…I did a post on dreams (you can read about it here) and told you that I’d address the first one I had in a post today.

Why today you may ask?  Today is the 4th Anniversary of my Dad’s passing.  I was a Daddy’s Girl.  My Dad was Blessed with 3 daughters.  My oldest Sister is from my Mom’s 1st marriage and my Dad adopted her when they got married.  My middle Sister is my Dad’s daughter from his 1st marriage and then there’s me (who he wanted to be a boy).  My middle Sister did not live with us and from like 4th or 5th grade on we only saw her at Christmas and a few weeks in the summer because she lived in Duluth, MN and we were in central WI.  My oldest Sister and my Dad were just 2 completely different personalities so that left me to be his buddy.  When I was little, my Dad suffered from a lot of PTSD symptoms from doing 2 tours in Vietnam.  I don’t remember much of it but by the time he really started to get involved in our lives, Krishna was in HS and Becky had moved away so I got all of the attention.  We would go fishing together, we’d cheer on the Packers together, he was my Hero. 

My parent’s did end up divorcing when I was 20 and he remarried again.  We weren’t as close as I would have liked us to be during some of those years with his new wife.  I moved back home for what ended up being the last 2 years of his life and I am so grateful that I did.  Although we didn’t see each other all the time, I did get to spend his last 2 Father’s Days with him and his Birthdays and Christmas.

I have only dreamed about him twice since he passed…the first time was shortly after it happened and I dreamt he died in my arms in the house I grew up in.  Needless to say, I woke up very upset but the other night, I dreamt that I heard him say “Hello Daughter” (like he always used to) and I looked up and saw him across the street.  I ran over to him crying and gave him a big hug and when I looked up, it was one of his Best Friend’s and he said that Dad had sent him to give me that message.  It was weird but comforting at the same time and I woke up so happy.  

Other than the first year he was gone, when you have to endure all those first times without him, this has been by far my hardest year yet.  I think the 2nd year I was still in denial and angry.  The 3rd year, I was busy planning my wedding (although the day itself was hard without him) and being a newlywed.  And I was still angry…there was a lot of unresolved anger about my parent’s divorce that hit me when I found out some things my Mom had never told me before about what actually happened.  And now I just miss him, I miss him so, so much.  We got a fishing boat this summer, the kind like he used to have, and I think that’s whats making it extra difficult.  He would be so happy to be out there with us and he would have loved fishing with J.  I wish so much that J could’ve met him.  J contacted me on Match.com a couple months after Dad passed so I like to think he went up there and helped God pick J out for me.  Daddy…you are forever loved and never forgotten!!!

Not sure what year this was but it was quite awhile ago.

Not sure what year this was but it was quite awhile ago.  My Sister, Dad and I.

Shine On

I’m doing a little redesigning of my page.  The last one felt a little dark to me, but this new one is called “Shine On” and I think that’s perfect for a blog about IF.  Despite the many hardships, despite the struggles and the tears, we must find away to “Shine On”.  

One way I’m able to do that is through this scripture:

Jeremiah 29:11-13  “For I know the plans I have for you”, says the Lord.  “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.  In those days when you pray, I will listen.  If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me”. NLT version.

I’ll admit I don’t have a lot of scripture memorized…I grew up Catholic and it wasn’t something we were taught, but this is one of the few that I always come back to when I’m feeling that despair and losing that hope.  I hope you all have a wonderful day!!

Hugs~Dawn

P.S.  I’m not so good at figuring out this blogging thing.  Can somebody please tell me how I can add tabs at the top and also how I can add the blogs that I follow?  I’m hopeless at this kind of thing, lol.  Thank you!!!

Dreams

I’ve had a couple of vivid dreams this past week and J had a very scary one the other night too.  My first one I’m going to wait until a post on Thursday to address but last night’s was clearly pointing to an upcoming event.

J and I are keeping his Cousin’s 3 girls for 5 nights starting on Saturday.  Now his cousin and his wife are more like a Brother and Sister to us then Cousins.  Chad was J’s Best Man and Jessie made our wedding cake.  Their oldest daughter sang during our wedding ceremony and we just love and adore them all!  The girls are 12, 5 and 1 1/2.  Now, if it was just the 5 and 12 yr old, I would have no anxiety.  And honestly, doing daycare all my life, you would think I wouldn’t be so anxious but Sadie is a mama’s girl and Jessie is a stay at home Mom so she’s not used to being left with strangers.

So I dreamt last night that I wasn’t watching her close enough and she got into the kitty litter box and was eating the kitty litter.  Talk about gross!!!  I know this isn’t going to happen, she won’t even be near the litter box, but clearly I’m nervous about how this is going to go down.  I really hope since her big sister’s will be here too, we won’t have any problems but I foresee it being a long week.  

Wish us luck next week, lol!

Hugs~Dawn

Beautiful Weekend!

We’ve just had the most relaxing weekend we’ve had at home in a long time!  We had no scheduled plans with anyone else for once and it was a beautiful thing.  The weather in WI has finally reached the point of hot with a little humidity.  It was so nice because we got to go out on the boat after I got off work on Friday and I did not have to bundle up for once!  We invited E to come with us and she seemed to enjoy it, plus it didn’t turn into the usual counseling session that tends to happen when she’s hanging out with us.  

Saturday morning we slept in a bit and then got up and went to a State park about 45 min away for another day of boating.  It was heavenly.  I laid on my lawn chair reading and tanning all day long.  We did a little fishing, but other than a few bites on my line, we got nothing.  It was so wonderful to just have a day with J.  It seems like we haven’t had much time together at all since we got back.  Last night, a recently single buddy of his came over with 2 of his kids.  He’s been here at least once a week for the past month and although I like him, J always drinks more than I’d like him to when he’s here.  Hopefully, he doesn’t stay single for too long, lol.  I also told J that if this natural cycle doesn’t work and we have to go back to doing IUI’s, he needs to give up drinking.  We don’t fight too often, but when we do, it’s either because he’s drinking or over his drinking.  Luckily, it’s not all the time, especially during the school year.  Living in WI, just about everything you do involves people drinking so if you like to drink and you suck at standing up to peer pressure, it’s not a good thing.  

This morning we got up and headed to my old church in my hometown to do nursery.  My Sister is Children’s ministry director there and one of my old daycare kiddos was still in the nursery this last year so we volunteer once a month there.  This was probably our last time though since we’re starting to get more involved in our current church.  We came home and I met with a prospective daycare parent.  Then went out for breakfast and came back and took a nap.  J and Rocky went and did some errands and he took Rocky to the lake for a much needed swim and I went and got the grocery shopping done.  It really was a much needed, wonderfully relaxing, beautiful weekend!

Oh, and there was spontaneous non baby making sex!!!  😉  Yep, perfect weekend!

Guilt…It’s a nasty thing.

Alright Ladies…I’m feeling a bit like a horrible person this week.  Here’s the backstory:

J and I have a roommate, we’ll just call her E.  She’s 24 yrs old and moved in with us the middle of January.  She has a room down in our basement plus her own living space for the most part.  When she moved in on a Saturday, she had a job and a boyfriend, by midmorning that next Monday she’d been fired and her boyfriend broke up with her.  She also lost her Mom at 19 yrs old and had been in a relationship for 4 yrs (prior to the bf that broke up with her right after she moved in) that was very controlling and from what it sounds like, at the very least, emotionally abusive, not sure if it got physical or not.  She also has a pretty bad speech impediment.  All her family except for one uncle lives in OH and she hasn’t seen them in years.  Needless to say, she’s had a rough at least 5 years if not a rough life in general.  J and I tried to be as friendly and helpful as we could.  

Luckily, she got a new job right away and started working evenings a week later.  That was a good thing for us because we were going to have to start setting some rules about hanging out upstairs all the time because we were not getting any alone time and we’re still in newlywed mode for the most part.  🙂  From there she briefly dated a couple of guys and then started dating this guy Joe she met on match.com.  He’s 36 yrs old so she thought he might be more mature but really I think he’s just afraid of commitment.  More than once she’s come home crying because he says he wants in space (mind you, 3 days after she met him she didn’t come home for 2 weeks except to get ready for work in the afternoons, so I can see why he said that).  The last time was over 4th of July.  She briefly took our advice to just go out and have fun with friends instead of trying to be with him all the time or waiting for him to call but as soon as he says “jump”, she says “how high” despite many talks with her.

I feel horrible but now most of the time, I just get annoyed with her.  And then I feel horribly guilty because I know her life isn’t easy.  She asks advice but doesn’t take it, she makes it very obvious when she’s eavesdropping (which she always does, so we need to be careful what conversations we have around her) and now for the last few weeks she’s been complaining of stomach pain and thinks she might be pregnant!!!

Ladies, the other night, I almost blew up and I know J at least noticed.  They kept talking about it as I’m sitting there reading.  Now, she hasn’t even actually missed her period yet and she took a pregnancy test and it was negative.  Plus she went to the Dr. and they did a blood test and that was negative.  I really think that she’s just making herself sick from all the stress she puts on herself because of this bf.  I finally just said, in an irritated way I’m sure, that if she hasn’t even missed her period yet then what she’s feeling is more than likely not pregnancy symptoms.  Again, I feel horrible and guilty but she is well aware of our fertility problems so to sit here and keep talking about it is a little on the rude side.

I don’t know what I will do if she is indeed pregnant.  I don’t know that I can handle living with her at that point.  Am I crazy to feel this way or am I really just being a selfish bitch?  I don’t know and I hope to God that she isn’t and I won’t have to worry about it any further.  She really is not in any kind of position to be able to take care of a baby right now anyways.  But aren’t they the people that always manage to get pregnant so easily?!  

Sorry about the rambling vent but really just needed to get it off my chest.  We’ve got about another week left of this natural 2ww.  I did up with mid cycle cramps but they started a little later than usual and weren’t as bad as last month’s were.  Hope you all are well!

Hugs~Dawn