I knew if I ever got pregnant, it would be nerve wracking, especially the 1st trimester. What I didn’t expect to feel, is terrified. I didn’t expect that fear would take over a lot of the excitement. I know that worrying doesn’t help. I know that being optimistic and hoping isn’t going to make the pain worse if God forbid something does happen. It’s going to hurt no matter what. I also know that except for not seeing the heartbeat at 6w1d, I haven’t really had any other indication that something is wrong so I really shouldn’t be panicking. As many people have pointed out, that is really early.
I also figured out after J reminded me about the one other time we had sex in November, that it was Day 14, so I may not have ovulated early after all. So why I am so terrified? If my symptoms seem to lessen for awhile…fear, big time fear. Like my boobs didn’t hurt much on New Year’s day and it caused me to feel panic and to keep poking at my boobs. On Wednesday, I had brownish tinted discharge (sorry for the TMI)…completely freaked me out! Number one, I have no cervical fluid to speak of to begin with so to have any kind of discharge is completely foreign to me and then to have the brownish tint…down right scary. J thinks it was caused by the ultrasound I had on Monday. And it didn’t last long at all. A little on Wednesday evening and a little on Thursday morning.
The good thing is, I have found a way to let go and not think about the fear. What is this way, you might be asking. Gilmore Girls. Yep, J subscribed to netflix again so I have been having Gilmore Girl marathons and my mind completely goes blank from the fear. It’s fantastic. It’s really too bad I have to start working again on Monday!