The Unexpected Fear

I knew if I ever got pregnant, it would be nerve wracking, especially the 1st trimester.  What I didn’t expect to feel, is terrified.  I didn’t expect that fear would take over a lot of the excitement.  I know that worrying doesn’t help.  I know that being optimistic and hoping isn’t going to make the pain worse if God forbid something does happen.  It’s going to hurt no matter what.  I also know that except for not seeing the heartbeat at 6w1d, I haven’t really had any other indication that something is wrong so I really shouldn’t be panicking.  As many people have pointed out, that is really early.

I also figured out after J reminded me about the one other time we had sex in November, that it was Day 14, so I may not have ovulated early after all.  So why I am so terrified?  If my symptoms seem to lessen for awhile…fear, big time fear.  Like my boobs didn’t hurt much on New Year’s day and it caused me to feel panic and to keep poking at my boobs.  On Wednesday, I had brownish tinted discharge (sorry for the TMI)…completely freaked me out!  Number one, I have no cervical fluid to speak of to begin with so to have any kind of discharge is completely foreign to me and then to have the brownish tint…down right scary.  J thinks it was caused by the ultrasound I had on Monday.  And it didn’t last long at all.  A little on Wednesday evening and a little on Thursday morning.

The good thing is, I have found a way to let go and not think about the fear.  What is this way, you might be asking.  Gilmore Girls.  Yep, J subscribed to netflix again so I have been having Gilmore Girl marathons and my mind completely goes blank from the fear.  It’s fantastic.  It’s really too bad I have to start working again on Monday!

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27 thoughts on “The Unexpected Fear

  1. I hate the fear, absolutely hate it! When the road to pregnancy is hard, I think it takes away your ability to be naively optimistic. I am sending you all my good vibes and hoping that everything looks great at your next ultrasound.
    And, I am also in a Gilmore Girls marathon right now – about halfway through season 6. I’m not sure what I am going to do when we finish it! 🙂

  2. First love Gilmore Girls!! What season are you on? The brownish blood is not a bad thing! My nurse told me to remember that implementation is not just a few days things, but as the baby is settling in, they can cause some bleeding. Brown is not a bad thing! So don’t even worry about that! I think fear is normal! I feel like we all know so many things that can go wrong that we focus on them, but try not to. One thing I will absolutely try to do for my next pregnancy is enjoy everyday! None of us know how our pregnancy is going to end (hopefully in a wonderful little one we get to bring home!), but I can assure you that if you enjoy every moment you have with your little one you will not regret it for one moment!

  3. This is me exactly! I feel like I’m being robbed from this pregnancy because I’m constantly worrying. I am trying my best to relax since both my Dr and Dh remind me there’s no point in freaking out when there’s nothing I can do, things will happen if its meant to be that way. Hope watching Gilmore girls help u relax.

  4. Gilmore Girls is my jam. Seriously. I’ve watched the whole series more times than is healthy, can quote most episodes, and own a little more memorabilia than is healthy. That being said:

    I wish I could tell you that you stop worrying altogether at some point. It DID get better after my 13 week appointment. It really did. I’m not nearly so worried as I was, but I still worry before appointments that something is going to be wrong or, the worst, that the heartbeat will be gone. Again, not as much, but it’s definitely still there.

    • It’s been a long time since I’ve watched the series in order…like since before there was this such thing as streaming and you had to order the DVD’s through netflix, lol. I know the worry will never totally go away, but I’m sure hoping there’s a heartbeat on Thursday and it will let up a teeny tiny bit. But let’s face it…pregnancy is just getting us ready to be worried Mothers!

  5. I can completely understand this. I had a lot of moments I worried in the first trimester. I think going through infertility puts us all in a different mindset when we finally achieve pregnancy. Stay strong and I hope you receive some reassurance soon!

    • We go in Thursday afternoon, 1:20pm. So I have to get through 3 1/2 days of work first….hopefully the little munchkins will be kind to me this week, lol. Thank you for the hugs and positive energy! 🙂

  6. Gilmore Girls has seriously gotten me through this last month! I’m half way through the last season and am panicking about not having it anymore!

  7. I have fears all the time. I have come up with a mantra of sorts that I repeat to myself when I need comforting. Being pregnant is scary and exciting. ❤

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