Moving Forward

First off, I want to Thank you all for your support and comments.  I’m sorry I didn’t answer back right away but I woke up early this morning and couldn’t back to sleep so I did finally get a chance to answer you all back.  Every single on of them meant so much to me and I’m going to have J read them tonight so he knows how much support, love and prayers we have coming at us.

So, we went in for the ultrasound…I kept my eyes closed at first because I did not want to see that empty sac again but opened them and sure enough, the sac hadn’t grown at all and there wasn’t much in it.  Dr. R said it should’ve tripled in size by that point.  She and the ultrasound tech left the room and J just hugged me for awhile.  I got dressed and we went down the hall to talk with Dr. R.  She said that she’s sure that it is just a chromosomal abnormality and that women in their late 30’s have a 20-25% chance of miscarrying and it’s almost always due to a chromosomal issue.  She also said that this doesn’t up our chance for another miscarriage in the future and that she is very encourage by the fact that we got pregnant on our own and that the embryo implanted where it should.  She said she expects me to miscarry naturally within the week, but if I don’t then to give them a call and they will give me medication to move the process along.  She said I will probably get my period about 5 weeks after the miscarriage and then we can start trying again.  She also said to let her know if we want to try another injectable cycle.  The nurse came in and gave us a folder full of information.  She had also been through a miscarriage and ended up adopting.  She is one of my favorite nurses there and was just so sweet giving J and I both big hugs.  She also said to call her anytime if we have questions about adoption.

Thursday night was a pretty ugly cry (to the point where it was hard to breathe the rest of the night)…and not just over the loss of our baby but everything just seemed to come out.  The unhappiness that I’ve felt with work lately and the confusion over what our future is going to look like.  I hate the unknown (except when it comes to presents…I love surprises).  I am a planner and I want to know what’s going to happen.  I know, life isn’t like that…at all!

J is more on the positive side (I’m still working my way there).  He was angry when we were at the clinic.  After we left the fertility office, I had to go down and have blood drawn to see if I’m RH negative.  J went to the business office to get a print out of all we paid to Gundersen this year for taxes and it doesn’t seem correct to us at all and you could just feel the anger and frustration come out.  After we got home, he had to go back to school to for basketball practice (he coaches 7th grade girls b-ball).  When he got home, he headed right out and got some beer.  I thought for sure the anger was really going to come out then, but instead he was more reflective.

When we got home, my Mom was there to give me big hugs.   The folder they had given us is full of stuff to read including information for grandparents so I gave her that and showed her the ultrasound pic and the little gold ring they gave us.  Then I sent her out into a snow storm to get home (it really was a beautiful day with the snow falling).  I let each daycare parent know as they picked up.  I was kind of hoping they would tell me to take the day off yesterday, but none of them suggested it until one parent texted me about 9pm and said she’d understand if I didn’t want to work.  I decided I might as well just work though because I don’t know if I’ll need time off this coming week whenever the actual miscarriage happens.

Yesterday was spent doing daycare, I only had 4 of my 6 kids so it was an easier day and that was nice but it kept my mind occupied enough.  My Sister called me in the morning and we made plans to hang out today.  We need to get all the paperwork organized for Family Promise and make plans for this year.  She was also meeting with our upline in Young Living and one of her other team members for breakfast so I’m going to join them for that and we’re going to try and go get pedicures today too.  J’s Sister also called but I haven’t called back yet.  I probably will on my way to Tomah this morning.  We were supposed to go to a baby shower for his cousin this afternoon but I had already told her if the ultrasound didn’t go well, I would not be going.  Last night, J and I went to Outback and had a delicious meal and I had the glass of wine I wanted so badly after my horrible week.  We brought along a notebook and made goals in 3 departments (physical, emotional, social).  Can you tell he’s a payed/health teacher?!

Physically, we want to work out as a couple 4 days a week.  He wants to be able to run 5 miles in under 42 minutes and get down to 15% body fat.  I want to lose at least 10lbs by the time we go to his friend’s wedding in Colorado on Feb. 27th and to work on getting to 20% body fat (I have a long way to go).

Emotionally:  We both just want to work on staying positive.  Get back to doing our couples devotions and just really rest in Him.

Socially:  J would like to invite a different couple over for dinner each month and I would like to hold a monthly game night.

So what’s next (besides waiting for the actual miscarriage to happen)?  As most of you know, before this pregnancy happened, we were moving onto adoption.  We were awaiting the lottery date this month to see if we were chosen to start the process.  We have decided that we are going to stay in the lottery.  We feel that if God would like us to adopt, then we will be chosen.  If we’re not chosen, then maybe now is not our time.  We are leaving it all in His hands.  The lottery takes place on January 20th so we have just over a week before we know.  We will also continue to try on our own once I’ve had my first period after the miscarriage.  If we end up with 2 babies close in age, so be it.  If anyone is used to caring for multiple kids of the same age, it’s me.

It’s now about 12 hours after I started this post.  I’m starting to have a more bleeding and much brighter red then before.  I just had a bit of breakdown on J but that I’m sure will be a whole other post.  Thank you, Friends, for all your support, prayers, love and encouragement.  You all mean so much to me and I couldn’t get through this without you!

Lots of Love~Dawn

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27 thoughts on “Moving Forward

  1. Oh hun! I somehow must have missed the previous post. I am so sorry! I am praying for you both. I know what this can feel like :(. I pray that as you continue on in the next several days…weeks…months…that you feel His mighty arms hold you tight and His mercy wrap around any worries, doubts and fears that you have. Love you sugars!!!

    • Thank you, Elisha! We are holding onto the fact that we did get pregnant naturally. It didn’t turn out the way we hoped, but we’re still trying to think positively about that aspect of it all. Love you too!

  2. Im so, so sorry. The one thing im grateful for is that your health isnt being put in danger at this point. Sending yoi all sorts of love and light. Thank you for sharing your story. Ive been thinking about you all day.

  3. Again, I am so very sorry for you and your husband. I admire your courage and tenacity to continue through the lottery and will pray that God reveal His path for you. It takes a very strong woman to have the resolve to make those goals in the midst of such a horrible thing and to not give in to falling into that dark place that is so tempting.

    Numbers 6:24 May the Lord bless and keep you, may He make His face shine down upon you and be gracious to you. May the Lord turn His countenance on you and bring you peace.

    Love and prayers.

  4. I adore your plans moving forward. I know the physical miscarriage is going to be horrible, but I also know that having a long term plan to help with your social, physical and emotional health will be very important to your ultimate recovery. I’m thrilled that you’ve decided to stay in the adoption lottery because there is hope in looking forward regardless of the outcome of the actual lottery, and I know for me that has been one of the most critical things to my recovery from each miscarriage. I always knew we wanted healthy children, and knowing that there is a possibility meant more to my mental health then anything else.
    Love to you and I hope the physical stuff happens quickly and relatively painlessly.

  5. Honey, i am so incredibly heart broken for you. Words cant express how sad I am this has happened. Ive been where you are at, so if you feel like talking please send me a message!

    I read that youre going to a wedding here in Colorado. Where is the wedding at?

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