Day 4 of 31

Day 4 is my earliest childhood memory.  This was a tough one.  I think my first real memories are of kindergarten.  I remember going to my classroom before school started for the “testing”.  I remember singing “Johnny works with one hammer”.  I also vividly remember our Christmas program that year.  I was so excited about it.  We sang “Have a Holly Jolly Christmas” and when we got to the part where you sing “and have a cup of cheer”  we got to toss “Cheer” laundry soap out of cups, lol.

2 of the earliest stories I’ve been told about is that when I was about18 months-2 yrs old, I was mad about something so I grabbed my diaper bag and my Dad’s police hat and said I was running away.  They even have a pic of it somewhere, lol.  The other one was when I was about 2 yrs old, my Dad was going after my Sister to give her a spanking and she ran up the stairs.  Our staircase has a couple steps and then a landing to turn and go up the rest of the staircase.  I stood on the landing with my hands on my hips and said, “Don’t you hurt my Sissy”!  She’s 4 1/2 yrs older than me but I have always felt like her protector.  Apparently, it started at a young age, lol.

Day 3

Day 3 of the blogging challenge is daily rituals.  Other than the normal boring things, I don’t think I have much for daily rituals.  Here’s my Mon-Fri routine.

I get up around 6 or 6:30am, depending on if I need to shower or not.  Sometimes I shower at night knowing I’m going to want to sleep as late as possible, lol.

I always pee as soon as I get up.  Get dressed, brush my teeth and wash my face, and rub Joy oil over my heart.  Go out to the living room and turn on the lights, unlock the door, try to get Rocky to go out (he rarely does as soon as I get up now that it’s cold out) and make coffee.  If I have time before the kids show up, I’ll check out my email or Facebook.    That’s about it for stuff I make sure I do every day.  My evenings just depend on what meetings I have and what J has going on.

There are daily rituals I need to get in the habit of doing.  Always tracking my food via My Fitness Pal, working out, being in the word, doing our couples devotionals, and the list could probably go on and on, lol.

Finally…..

Some good news!!!!

Congratulations! You have been selected to be studied for Lutheran Social Services of Wisconsin and Upper Michigan, Inc. (LSS) Domestic Program for 2015. I will mail out the paper work to start your adoption process today. There is an explanation of each form, a checklist to guide you and what is needed to get this process started. Look them over and contact me with any questions.  You can turn in any completed paperwork, along with your application fee to open your file at any time.

Our 16 hour education sessions will be scheduled soon, most likely in late February or March.  If you have known scheduling conflicts please let me know and I will do my best to work around them.  We will need the application fee prior to, or on the first day of group.  The rest of the fees are not due until the home visit.  We can schedule a home visit any time you are ready and the majority of your paperwork is done.

I look forward to working with you in adding another member to your family.  This is a very exciting time for you; please let me know if you have any questions or concerns.  Again, congratulations and welcome to LSS!

Day 2: 20 Things you may not know about me

Day 2 of the Blogging Challenge is 20 things you may not know about me.  There will probably be some things that you know because I know I’ve shared facts before but I don’t remember what they are and if I could even come up with 20 fresh facts, lol.

1.  I don’t believe in buying cookie dough, unless it’s a fundraiser for my nieces or nephews.

2.  I have 2 Sisters, both older, much to my Dad’s dismay, lol.

3.  I am the only child my parent’s had together.  They each had a daughter from their first marriages.

4.  J and I’s first date was at Pizza Hut.  I wanted a public place and the one we met at was smack dab in the middle of the 2 towns we were living in.

5.  I have a major fear of loud noises.  Guns, fireworks, balloons popping, thunder.  I have gotten better about the fireworks and thunder but I still freak out if the thunder starts cracking.  I do like a nice rumbly thunderstorm now though.

6.  My favorite wine is Prairie Fume`.  It’s from Wollersheim Winery, right here in WI.

7.  My bachelorette party consisted of going to the winery for a tour and tasting, dinner at The Melting Pot, and then to a comedy club in Madison, WI.

8.  Once upon a time, I despised cats.  It wasn’t until my first stray found me that I fell in love with them.

9.  Besides the people I left behind, the thing I miss most about CT is the food.  My favorite restaurants are Sakura in Westport (hands down the best hibachi place ever…their noodles are to die for), Colony Pizza (OMG… BEST pizza EVER) in Stamford, Fairfield and I believe they have now opened a location in Milford), Barcelona in South Norwalk or Fairfield), and Robek’s for their amazing smoothies (locations all over but the one I go to most is in Westport).

10.  My childhood summers were spent at the pool.  Our city pool was only 2 blocks from my house so we would go at 1pm, then walk the back path to Dairy Queen for the 3pm break, go back and swim til it closed at 5pm for dinner.  Go home for dinner and the half the time, we’d go back from 6pm til 8 or 9pm when it closed.

11.  I was a cheerleader in 9th grade and then on the dance team for 10th and 11th.  Senior year I didn’t do anything due to scoliosis.

12.  On March 31st, 2005 I was in a car accident that completely crumpled the front end of my ford focus.  A 17 yr old kid turned into traffic and hit me so hard on the passenger front corner that it messed up my door and took all my strength to get the door open and out of the car.

13.  That is when I met the best Chiropractor EVER and I still go and get adjusted by him when I’m visiting CT.

14.  My favorite band growing up was NKOTB.  I am still a little obsessed with them and have all my memorabilia from when I was a kid.  My room was literally wallpapered and ceiling papered in posters and I had the sheets, comforter and curtains, lol.

15.  I like to change things up.  I don’t like my hair to be the same cut and color for too long.  Rooms need to get painted and furniture moved around often.  J always makes fun of me that I’m going to trade him for a new model because of my love of change.

16.  As much as I love change, I’ve found out that I’m not good at changing jobs.  Every time I have changed jobs since nannying for the Lucas’s, I have been less happy with it, at least for the first long while.

17.  I love breakfast food.  Although I was a cook in high school on Sunday’s at a local cafe, J is charge of making breakfast if it’s eggs.  I take care of it if it’s pancakes.

18.  Sometimes, I miss my Dad so much it hurts.  At other times, I get angry about things that happened while he was alive and then I feel guilty for being angry.

19.  If I ever get a chance to do a reading with Theresa Caputo (The Long Island Medium), I will totally take it.

20.  Sometimes, when I’m just out of patience with the daycare kids and would rather be doing anything else, I think, this is the reason God hasn’t made me a Mom.  I know that’s ridiculous…I know the love for your own child is completely different, but sometimes, that’s just how I feel.  Today is one of those days.  2 of the kids were just tired and cranky all morning.  Another one is just in an extremely stinkerish phase and will not listen.  And another just had an attitude.  The baby won’t take a decent nap and I didn’t sleep well last night.  Not a good combination today!

31 Day Blogging Challenge

I’ve just recently started following Jessy at “The Artsy Cajun” on Bloglovin’ and today she had a post about starting a 31 Day Blogging Challenge.  It looked like fun and a lot more light hearted than what’s going on in my life right now, so I decided I would do it to.  Day 1 is introduce yourself and post a recent picture.

As most of you know, I’m Dawn from Wisconsin.  I am an in home daycare provider, a Young Living essential oil Enthusiast, and I’m debating on whether or not I want to get back into Thirty One.  I met my husband J in November of 2010 and we were married in November of 2012.  I’m a HUGE Green Bay Packer fan (let’s not even talk about last night’s game), a Mom to 4 fur babies (3 cats, 1 dog), a lover of all food that is crap for me and not a huge fan of working out (both of these things need to change this year).  I have the most Amazing Mom and 2 Sisters that are my biggest support system.  My Dad passed the August before I met J and I have a feeling he had something to do with me finally finding my soulmate.   I love to read (usually romances) and I don’t mind being alone sometimes.  Now to find a recent pic!  🙂

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Black Friday shopping with my Sis…I’m on the right.  🙂

Here is the challenge for anyone that would like to join me!

31 Day Blogging Challenge

I’m Just Going To Come Out and Say It….

So far, 2015 has sucked ass!  Like it’s by far the worse start to a new year that I have ever had.  I can’t even get into what happened this weekend right now.  Maybe one day soon I will be brave enough to put it out there, but not right now.

I will say, the grieving process has officially started.  I barely slept Friday and was awake at 4am and crying by 5am.  I cried most of the way to my hometown to help with the clothing giveaway and then broke down again during the clothing giveaway.  Last year, I felt blessed to be helping these people.  This year, I just felt broken.  I just kept wondering why so many people that aren’t in a good place to really be able to care for their children, get to have so many children.  Yet J and I don’t.  I will never get it and I know I will never have an answer to this question, but yesterday, it just really, really hurt.

I will admit that Dr. Purser was great but he did not touch on PCOS like I thought he was going too so I will research that myself and let you Ladies know what I find out.  I did take a lot of notes though and as soon as I get them organized, I will post them.  There was a lot of fantastic info on hormones.  I was only there for the afternoon which was the women’s portion.  I have the powerpoint packet with the men’s info too, I just haven’t had a chance to look at it and wasn’t able to be there for that portion to hear it.

Update (I know…my titles are so exciting)

Well, it’s been 1 week since we found out that this pregnancy isn’t viable.  I think I may have passed the tissue, but not entirely sure.  Yesterday, contraction like cramping started around 12:30pm and didn’t really let up too much until just before midnight.  I fell asleep til about 3:45am and then got up to go to the bathroom.  Normally, I never turn on the lights when it’s the middle of the night but because of this whole thing, I did.  There was a black and brownish thing in the toilet (sorry for the TMI) after I went that was about the size of the clots I’ve been having but no red tinge to it so I don’t know if that was it or not.  Then went I went to the bathroom this morning, there was a grayish looking thing about the size of a small pea on the toilet paper, so maybe that was it.  Who knows?!  In the mean time, Rocky has been sticking very close to Mommy:

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I did go to the Dr. today to get my Rhogam shot because I’m RH negative.  My favorite nurse gave it to me in my right hip and didn’t really hurt at all.  I’m sure I’ll be sore later though.  My favorite Medical Assistant came in to check on me too.  I seriously love my clinic so much.  I’m kind of sad we’ve decided not to continue with treatments, just because I miss the sweet people at the clinic.

In other news, I am going to a conference on Saturday for Young Living.  The speaker is Dr. Dan Purser and he’s talking about keeping your hormones happy and is like one of the best there is on using essential oils to help with things like Infertility, PCOS, and a ton of other things.  I will definitely take notes and share what I can with you all.  🙂

We are also doing our clothing giveaway for Family Promise Saturday morning and that should be fun.  Last year was our first year and it was just so rewarding.  These families in need are so appreciative and they want to give back.  Last year, several of them wanted to bring in the things that their children had outgrown.

So that’s it.  I don’t really know what stage I’m in as far as grief goes, but I don’t feel like grieving has really even started.  I did have a bit of a breakdown the other day about flushing my baby down the toilet and I thought that this is when I would be super emotional, but I guess not being sure if I’ve even actually passed the tissue has kind of messed with that.  I’ve been in tears, but it’s been from the physical pain more than anything.

One more day of daycare to get through and then the weekend.  A very busy day on Saturday and Sunday, my Pack plays the Seahawks.  They’ve been our curse ever since that horrible call the temporary refs made when the real refs were on strike so I’m a little worried.  I have a feeling I will have several mild heart attacks and be anxiety ridden through out the game.  Yes, I do get that into it!!!  Hope you all have a great weekend!

Lots of Love~Dawn

Frustrated….Very Frustrated!!!!

Ladies, I am so dang frustrated with this whole miscarrying thing.  It’s bad enough that it has to happen at all, but my body doesn’t seem to know if it wants to go through with it or not.

I had some light bleeding over the weekend, only once did I have a lot on a panty liner and then it went away again.  Sunday night, I finally started getting some contraction type cramping so I thought, “Here we go”.  Texted all my daycare parents to let them know I was taking Monday off and took some ibprofren.  Fell asleep and everything just went away.  I had some slight cramping yesterday morning, but otherwise, totally wasted a day off because I was fine the rest of the day.

I can’t keep taking days off and then having nothing happen so I texted all the parents last night and said I’d be open today unless I was in excruciating pain my this morning.  I hate not being able to give them a better heads up to arrange things on their end.  Then, about 9pm last night the contraction like cramps started in again lasting a lot longer and definitely more severe in pain.  I also had more bleeding yesterday with some clots on the toilet paper but still not soaking any pads or anything.  In fact, most of the day I just had a panty liner on.  Took tylenol and sometime after 10pm, it settled down enough for me to fall asleep and now again today, not much of anything.

I left a message for my favorite nurse to see if this is normal.  Hopefully she will call back soon.  Does anyone else have experience with just letting this happen naturally?  How did it go for you?  I haven’t seen any grey tissue like they said I would see’, but I am a little nervous because  it turns out I’m RH negative and need to have a shot within 72 hours of miscarrying.  I just wish my body would take care of this so I can start recovering from this whole thing.  I feel like the grieving process isn’t even really going to start until I go through the physical miscarriage.

Anyways, if anyone has any advice for me on this whole thing, I will take it!

Lots of Love~Dawn

Moving Forward

First off, I want to Thank you all for your support and comments.  I’m sorry I didn’t answer back right away but I woke up early this morning and couldn’t back to sleep so I did finally get a chance to answer you all back.  Every single on of them meant so much to me and I’m going to have J read them tonight so he knows how much support, love and prayers we have coming at us.

So, we went in for the ultrasound…I kept my eyes closed at first because I did not want to see that empty sac again but opened them and sure enough, the sac hadn’t grown at all and there wasn’t much in it.  Dr. R said it should’ve tripled in size by that point.  She and the ultrasound tech left the room and J just hugged me for awhile.  I got dressed and we went down the hall to talk with Dr. R.  She said that she’s sure that it is just a chromosomal abnormality and that women in their late 30’s have a 20-25% chance of miscarrying and it’s almost always due to a chromosomal issue.  She also said that this doesn’t up our chance for another miscarriage in the future and that she is very encourage by the fact that we got pregnant on our own and that the embryo implanted where it should.  She said she expects me to miscarry naturally within the week, but if I don’t then to give them a call and they will give me medication to move the process along.  She said I will probably get my period about 5 weeks after the miscarriage and then we can start trying again.  She also said to let her know if we want to try another injectable cycle.  The nurse came in and gave us a folder full of information.  She had also been through a miscarriage and ended up adopting.  She is one of my favorite nurses there and was just so sweet giving J and I both big hugs.  She also said to call her anytime if we have questions about adoption.

Thursday night was a pretty ugly cry (to the point where it was hard to breathe the rest of the night)…and not just over the loss of our baby but everything just seemed to come out.  The unhappiness that I’ve felt with work lately and the confusion over what our future is going to look like.  I hate the unknown (except when it comes to presents…I love surprises).  I am a planner and I want to know what’s going to happen.  I know, life isn’t like that…at all!

J is more on the positive side (I’m still working my way there).  He was angry when we were at the clinic.  After we left the fertility office, I had to go down and have blood drawn to see if I’m RH negative.  J went to the business office to get a print out of all we paid to Gundersen this year for taxes and it doesn’t seem correct to us at all and you could just feel the anger and frustration come out.  After we got home, he had to go back to school to for basketball practice (he coaches 7th grade girls b-ball).  When he got home, he headed right out and got some beer.  I thought for sure the anger was really going to come out then, but instead he was more reflective.

When we got home, my Mom was there to give me big hugs.   The folder they had given us is full of stuff to read including information for grandparents so I gave her that and showed her the ultrasound pic and the little gold ring they gave us.  Then I sent her out into a snow storm to get home (it really was a beautiful day with the snow falling).  I let each daycare parent know as they picked up.  I was kind of hoping they would tell me to take the day off yesterday, but none of them suggested it until one parent texted me about 9pm and said she’d understand if I didn’t want to work.  I decided I might as well just work though because I don’t know if I’ll need time off this coming week whenever the actual miscarriage happens.

Yesterday was spent doing daycare, I only had 4 of my 6 kids so it was an easier day and that was nice but it kept my mind occupied enough.  My Sister called me in the morning and we made plans to hang out today.  We need to get all the paperwork organized for Family Promise and make plans for this year.  She was also meeting with our upline in Young Living and one of her other team members for breakfast so I’m going to join them for that and we’re going to try and go get pedicures today too.  J’s Sister also called but I haven’t called back yet.  I probably will on my way to Tomah this morning.  We were supposed to go to a baby shower for his cousin this afternoon but I had already told her if the ultrasound didn’t go well, I would not be going.  Last night, J and I went to Outback and had a delicious meal and I had the glass of wine I wanted so badly after my horrible week.  We brought along a notebook and made goals in 3 departments (physical, emotional, social).  Can you tell he’s a payed/health teacher?!

Physically, we want to work out as a couple 4 days a week.  He wants to be able to run 5 miles in under 42 minutes and get down to 15% body fat.  I want to lose at least 10lbs by the time we go to his friend’s wedding in Colorado on Feb. 27th and to work on getting to 20% body fat (I have a long way to go).

Emotionally:  We both just want to work on staying positive.  Get back to doing our couples devotions and just really rest in Him.

Socially:  J would like to invite a different couple over for dinner each month and I would like to hold a monthly game night.

So what’s next (besides waiting for the actual miscarriage to happen)?  As most of you know, before this pregnancy happened, we were moving onto adoption.  We were awaiting the lottery date this month to see if we were chosen to start the process.  We have decided that we are going to stay in the lottery.  We feel that if God would like us to adopt, then we will be chosen.  If we’re not chosen, then maybe now is not our time.  We are leaving it all in His hands.  The lottery takes place on January 20th so we have just over a week before we know.  We will also continue to try on our own once I’ve had my first period after the miscarriage.  If we end up with 2 babies close in age, so be it.  If anyone is used to caring for multiple kids of the same age, it’s me.

It’s now about 12 hours after I started this post.  I’m starting to have a more bleeding and much brighter red then before.  I just had a bit of breakdown on J but that I’m sure will be a whole other post.  Thank you, Friends, for all your support, prayers, love and encouragement.  You all mean so much to me and I couldn’t get through this without you!

Lots of Love~Dawn