I Feel Like my Life is Falling Apart

I cry almost daily.

I feel miserable in my job and don’t know exactly why.

I am probably losing a 3rd daycare kid because Mom’s hours changed and I don’t want to continue working until 5:30pm.

I don’t know what to do.

I don’t know what I can do to continue to work from home, but not do daycare.

I can’t stop doing daycare because I already told some friends of ours I would take their little girl part time in the fall and I don’t want to go back on my word.

I get upset about stupid stuff and don’t know why, but also can’t seem to help myself.

I love each and every one of my kiddos, I’m just not loving them as a collective group right now.

I really don’t know what to do.

Am I just lonely during the day?  Are they just in a horrible phase?  Will it be better if I start over again with babies?

Even though I didn’t want to do that, it may be my only choice.  I moved the daycare to WS so that I could get on the same schedule as J and instead, I haven’t done that at all because we need the money.  We still need the money but I don’t know if I can continue day in and day out.

I’m hoping that everything that’s happened in the last year is just finally coming to a head and after a few weeks away this summer, things will be better, but I just don’t know.

Childcare is all I know outside of managing a household.  I have no skills in anything else and I don’t really want to go get a job outside of the house when we’re working on adoption.  That was never in the plan.

I just don’t know what to do.

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Have you ever…

totally felt like writing a blog post, but you’re not really sure what to write about?

I’m totally in the mood to write, but there’s not a whole lot more to update you guys on.  You met the new puppy, you’ve been update on Whole 30 and TTC wise, we got nothing going on.  Sex has been a rare thing in this house so far this year.  January and February were just stressful and busy so we just couldn’t muster up much enthusiasm for anything but sleep.  March, J completely tore his achilles tendon so that put sex on the back burner too.  Let’s home May brings us some better luck!

There is also not much to update on the adoption front.  We’re still not done with paperwork.  I did work on my list of questions one day during nap time last week and got pretty far, but I still have to write my autobiography.  J still has a full page of questions to answer and has to write his autobiography.  I need to get the cats in over the next couple weeks to get all their shots updated both for licensing and adoption.  Our classes aren’t until June because the agency was having a hard time finding a time to schedule them so my goal is to having everything done by the end of May so as soon as classes are done…it’s go time.

Young Living is going well although I don’t think I’ll hit Silver in 6.  May is my last month to hit it and I just don’t have a second leg that’s even close to a $4000 OGV.  That’s okay though.  I’ve come to terms with it, but I do hope I hit Silver this summer so that it can help make up for some daycare income.

Speaking of daycare, Ladies…I would totally stop doing daycare if I could come up with a different work from home scenario that is a steady paycheck.  Young Living and Thirty One just don’t cut it because right now, it’s not a high enough or steady enough income (although I totally hope Young Living will be one day in the next year or 2).  I don’t know what it is but my heart just isn’t in it right now.  I love my kiddos individually, but get them together and I want to pull my hair out.  Of course, except for last week, we’ve spent the better part of the last 6-7 months indoors, so that may have something to do with it.  Plus, they’re all on the verge of 2.  The other hard thing is, I’m alone.  All day except when J comes home for lunch and the once in awhile that my neighbor comes over for a playdate.  If I could afford to, I’d totally pay someone to just come from like 8:30-12:30 to keep me company, lol.  In Tomah, it was so much easier.  My Mom was 5 min down the road and she stopped by every single morning when she got off work at 8am and then once I moved here and commuted there to continue daycare, it was in her house so she was there all day for the most part.  I miss that…a lot!

Anyways…if you have any great work from home ideas that actually work, let me know!  I may be losing yet another daycare kid because her Mom took a new position within the hospital and her hours are going to change.  Right now, I don’t know what they are, but the one good think about losing the other 2 was I was going to go back to the original time I had for closing when I started in West Salem and now hers are going to change.  I do not want to go back to working til 5:30pm.  I can’t get to J’s games when I work that late and am always running straight from work to meetings.

As for Thirty One, I have earned over $500 so far that’s gone into our adoption fund.  If any of you love Thirty One and want to host a catalog/online party, let me know!  They’ve added a super cute Cork bag as a hostess exclusive starting in May that I totally want, lol.  Cork bags are huge this season and the big names are charging mega bucks for them.

Okay, I guess I had a few things to write about, lol.  Now that I’ve got all that off my mind, I better go start clearing my desk because it’s seriously scary looking right now!

Lots of Love~Dawn

What I Have Learned So Far From Whole 30

Today is Day 11 of Whole 30 from the original start point.  Technically, you’re supposed to start over every time you screw up, but I am not doing that.  Here is what I have learned so far:

1.  Starting a lifestyle that’s mainly meat and veggies isn’t probably the smartest idea when you don’t like many veggies, lol.

2.  My life really doesn’t mesh well with something as strict as Whole 30.  I frequently have to leave for meetings as soon as I’m done with work (they’re usually at a restaurant) and I don’t get home until 8 or 9 at night.  On top of that, being at home all day, can be difficult too.  That probably sounds weird, but often, I’m so busy with the kids (especially if it’s nice and we can be outside) that by the time I get them down for naps and have the chance to eat…I am starving and let’s face it…when you’re starving, healthy food doesn’t sound good (well, at least not to me, lol).  Also, J isn’t doing Whole 30 so there’s a whole lot of temptation in my kitchen that I have to try and ignore.  Sometimes, I think it’d be easier if I had a desk job where I had to take my lunch to work and eat what I have with me.

3.  Breakfast is going well.  I think I’ve only started one day off wrong when my niece stayed overnight and J made us breakfast.  Otherwise, it starts with eggs and veggies or a smoothie with fruits and veggies.

4.  I really like raw spinach with strawberries and/or raspberries.  No dressing needed.

5.  I do think I will continue to incorporate more veggies into my meals when this is done and try to keep my carbs to smaller portions and add more healthy carbs like quinoa and brown rice.

6.  I haven’t really been craving sweets too much which is awesome.  We’ll see what next week brings because it’ll be the week before AF and I usually have major cravings during that week.

7.  In general, I think I will eat smaller portions when this is over.  I’ve been good at pretty much keeping it to 3 meals and if I do need a snack, it’s been grapes or strawberries.

8.  Since I’ve been trying to eat healthy, I’ve also gotten back on the treadmill and have been doing C25K.  Once upon a time, I could run a 5k.  Not with any fantastic time or anything, but I could run 3.1 miles…in a row.  Last night, I thought I was dying doing w2/d1.  It’s a 5 minute warm up and then intervals of running for 1:30 minutes and then walking for 2 minutes and ending with a 5 minute cool down equaling 31 minutes.  I could not breathe!!!  I think this time around is way harder than when I first started learning to run.  That may have to do with the extra 30 lbs I have on my body now.  Either way, I can’t wait for the day I can run and breathe at the same time again.

9.  My willpower still sucks, even when I have a group of people doing Whole 30 with me (and they are doing fantastic).

10.  I’m really happy that I decided to attempt Whole 30.  It’s just the thing I needed to get serious about making better food choices more often than not.  I will say, that I am clearly still a stress eater.  The kids have been awful this week because we went from beautiful, sunny, 70 degree days last week to being stuck inside yet again because of rain/snow this week.  It’s these days that they’re just stinkers that I really find myself reaching for the carbs or caffeine.

The Real Neat Blog Award

Thank you Que’ Milagro for this award nomination!  Friends…if you’re not following her blog, I suggest you go now!  It’s exciting times over there because she just got that magical BFP!!!

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Rules for “The Real Neat Blog Award”:

  1. Put the Award Logo in your post.
  2. Answer the 7 questions asked by the person who nominated you.
  3. Thank the person/people who nominated you and link to their blogs.
  4. Nominate any number of bloggers you like and link to their blogs.
  5. Ask them 7 questions.
  6. Let them know you’ve nominated them with a comment.

Now for the questions:

I have a baby name obsession so… Do you have any baby names picked out and if so, dish!

We do have part of our names picked out.  If it’s a boy, the first name will most likely be Lucas after the family I nannied for in CT (it’s their last name).  Middle name isn’t picked out yet.  We could do John after my Dad, but there are so many John’s in our family already and 2 of my nephews are already have John as a first or middle name.  For our girl, we have the middle name picked out…Faith, because it’s taking a lot of Faith to get through this.  My favorite girl names (one of which already got taken by a blogging friend) are Skylar, Fiona, and Charlotte.  There has been no decision made on this and I may find new ones I like even better by the time we get matched and bring a baby home.  🙂  

What is your favorite childhood memory?

Oh my goodness…I don’t know if I can pick just one.  I may have to go with one for each parent.  With my Mom, my favorite memory is of her reading to me in front of the heater we had in our dining room.  It was in the wall so we would always sit in front of it because it was so cozy and warm to read books.  With my Dad, it would be fishing.  We would also go to this cabin in Northern WI every summer for a week or 2 and it was the best time fishing and swimming.

If you could meet any celebrity, who would it be and why?

Hmmm….I might have to go with Channing Tatum because he’s just ridiculously hot!

If you could pick a free, one-week vacation to anywhere in the world, where are you going?

This is a toss up between Greece for the gorgeous water and Italy for the food and wine.  Of course, I do love a good ol’ beach vacation so I might have to pick St. Maarten.  Can you tell I’m a little indecisive?!

What is your favorite recipe to cook?

Okay, this one is easy.  Chocolate chip cookies.  Hands down!

How did your partner propose?

Not in the most romantic way, lol.  Right before J proposed, we had been on a 2 1/2 week road trip down the Eastern Seaboard.  We went to Niagra Falls, CT, NYC, Boston, Annapolis Maryland, Ocean City Maryland, North Carolina, and Gatlinburg, Tennessee.  Needless to say, there were SOOOO many romantic places and moments he could have done it, but no, he didn’t want me to expect it so instead, he waited til 3 days after we got back from our trip.  We took the motorcycle to his Sister’s house for dinner.  She made white chicken chili and we were standing in the kitchen and he hands me a ring box and says, “look at this”.  I got all sorts of excited, open it up, and it’s his Mom’s mother’s ring we’d gotten for her.  I was so irritated!!!  So then, we’re sitting at the table eating and he slides the same box over to me, and I was like yeah, I already saw it.  He’s like, no…look at it again so I opened it up and there was my ring!  I think he said something like, so, will you marry me?  And I said, “eh, I’ll think about it.”  And about 30 seconds later I said yes.  So no, I didn’t expect it, but it also wasn’t the big romantic proposal I’d always thought I’d get either, lol.

IMG_1370The night we got engaged!

If you could learn one skill/have one talent that you don’t already possess, what would it be?

This is easy too.  I wish that I was an amazing public speaker.  I keep choosing businesses and projects where I need to get in front of people and talk, but I’m a total introvert and HATE having to get up in front of people to talk.

I would like to nominate:

Ramblings of a Barren Heart

Confessions of Little Miss PMA

Surviving Infertility

The Sky and Back

Meant to be a Mommy

Your questions are:

1.  If you could be any animal, what would you be and why?

2.  If you could only visit one National Park, which one would you choose and why?

3.  If you could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, who would it be and why?

4.  What is your favorite movie for each decade of your life?

5.  If you could only listen to one band/Singer for the rest of your life, who would it be?

6.  If you could only eat one food for the rest of you life, what would it be?

7.  How did you meet your Significant Other?

Can’t wait to read some answers!  🙂

 

Introducing…..

the newest member of our family….Bandit!

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IMG_4002  IMG_4004 IMG_4007

So here’s the story:

Thursday night after the funeral, we stopped at J’s Mom and Dad’s house.  His cousin lives across the driveway from them and there was this little dog out there that I hadn’t seen before.  I asked who’s it was and they said it was C’s and they’d had puppies and my MIL thought there was one left and asked if I wanted to see it…..ahhhh, duh….yes!!!!  🙂

It took me a bit to catch this little guy and get him to come to me, but once I did, he cuddled right in and gave me lots of sweet puppy kisses.  I begged J to let me have him and he said “no”.  He was worried that Rocky and the puppy would get wild and knock down one of the kids.  I begged and begged and all my in-laws told him that I should be able to have him and he just kept saying no even though his cousin was giving him to us for free.  Guys, I have to tell you…I was heartbroken.  I cried the almost hour it takes us to get home and went straight to bed.  The next morning, I was still just so upset about it.  I called my Mom and told her what happened and she said I need to stand up for what I want once in awhile.

At this point, I was just feeling like I haven’t gotten anything I’ve really wanted in a very long time.  No baby, no new couch and carpet (even though ours is disgusting looking and the couch is broken) because of losing those 2 kids back in January, and many other things.  When J came home on break, I told him all that and he finally (but not happily) gave in.  J’s Dad brought the puppy up that afternoon.

I just adore him and love having a puppy that’s not 100 lbs to cuddle with (although I still cuddle with Rocky too).  Rocky doesn’t seem too bothered by him.  He sniffs him for a bit and then walks away.  As you can see from the pic above, Bandit now has his Daddy wrapped around his little paw.  He cuddled with him all morning and afternoon on Sunday.  He’s also doing great on potty training.  He had 2 accidents his first night with us and none since then.  I love feeling needed again!

Day 5 of Whole 30

Well, unlike the timeline says, I have not felt like killing anyone on days 4 and 5, lol.  In fact, yesterday was surprisingly easy to stay compliant and just a good day overall.

In the morning, my neighbor who is a stay at home Mom of a 2 yr old girl and a 4 yr old boy came over to play out in the yard with us.  She is amazing and I’m so happy they moved in and I’ve gotten to know her.  She knows all about our infertility and miscarriage and has been so amazingly supportive!  She did find out a couple weeks ago that she is pregnant.  It was hard to hear, but only because I so desperately want us to be pregnant together.  She is a fantastic Mom so I’m very happy for them.  I just know that we would have had fun being pregnant together.  She’s only 6 weeks and already has a bit of a baby belly going on…it’s pretty cute.

Last night, a dear friend that used to be in my Young Adult bible group at my old church came over for a visit.  We haven’t seen each other since my wedding even though she just lives in the next town over.  We were going to go for a walk but ended up just sitting here catching up and chatting about infertility, adoption, and my parents (this topic came up because of a sermon this past Sunday at our Church).  Yes, we attend the same church here too and we still never see each other….It’s a huge church!!!  Justin and I made a Whole 30 compliant dinner and she stayed and ate with us.  It was a fantastic night.

I have screwed up a few times on this Whole 30 thing, but you know what, for once, I’m not beating myself up about it.  I’m eating 97% better than I have in an extremely long time and I’m psyched about that.  I don’t know if it’s eating better food or the beautiful weather or a little of both, but I have had a little more energy than I was last week.  I did finally make a couple meals yesterday that I really enjoyed.

There are times that I get to the point of being starving and that tends to be when I screw up, but with daycare it’s hard.  Especially now that we’re spending our mornings outside.  Sometimes, I’m just busy and by the time I’ve got them down for naps and can eat lunch, I’m ridiculously starved and healthy doesn’t sound good.  That’s the tough part about being at home, the house is still full of food, especially since J is not doing Whole 30 with me.

I suppose, I better get going because my Mom will be here in 45 minutes to take over for daycare for me.  J and I have yet another funeral to attend.  His 19 yr old cousin was killed in a car accident this past weekend.  That’s for another post though. If you could send prayers for J though, I would appreciate it.  This is the 4th person in less than a year that has died.  3 of them in car accidents.  I had just met this family for the first time at his Grandma’s funeral a couple weeks ago, but they were a beautiful family and I even thought that to myself when I met them.  It is just so sad and tragic.

I hope all is well with all of you!

Lots of Love~Dawn

Day 2 is AWFUL!!!!

Ok, I know the Whole 30 timeline says “hangover”, but I don’t feel like I have one.  Instead, I have stabbing pains in my stomach and they really hurt.  This sucks…a lot.  I know I’m totally whining here but I hate not looking forward to meals…and I don’t…at all.

I made a big salad for lunch with red leaf lettuce, spinach, kale, peppers, broccoli, grape tomatoes, hard boiled egg and chicken with the homemade lemon pepper dressing and I did not enjoy a single bite of it.

I’m not sure if I’m actually full when I stop eating or if I’m just sick of eating something that doesn’t taste good to me.