I Feel Like my Life is Falling Apart

I cry almost daily.

I feel miserable in my job and don’t know exactly why.

I am probably losing a 3rd daycare kid because Mom’s hours changed and I don’t want to continue working until 5:30pm.

I don’t know what to do.

I don’t know what I can do to continue to work from home, but not do daycare.

I can’t stop doing daycare because I already told some friends of ours I would take their little girl part time in the fall and I don’t want to go back on my word.

I get upset about stupid stuff and don’t know why, but also can’t seem to help myself.

I love each and every one of my kiddos, I’m just not loving them as a collective group right now.

I really don’t know what to do.

Am I just lonely during the day?  Are they just in a horrible phase?  Will it be better if I start over again with babies?

Even though I didn’t want to do that, it may be my only choice.  I moved the daycare to WS so that I could get on the same schedule as J and instead, I haven’t done that at all because we need the money.  We still need the money but I don’t know if I can continue day in and day out.

I’m hoping that everything that’s happened in the last year is just finally coming to a head and after a few weeks away this summer, things will be better, but I just don’t know.

Childcare is all I know outside of managing a household.  I have no skills in anything else and I don’t really want to go get a job outside of the house when we’re working on adoption.  That was never in the plan.

I just don’t know what to do.

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23 thoughts on “I Feel Like my Life is Falling Apart

  1. I’m sorry things suck right now. I hope that maybe the universe sends you a nice group of babies that renew your energy and sense of purpose, or that somehow you figure out other skills that you have. I’m sure you have some, even though you may not think you do. Either way, I hope things become more bearable for you. Sending you lots of hugs.

    • Thank you so much! In some ways, some of the kids leaving has been a blessing in disguise because it was supposed to shorten my hours from 10 1/2 sometimes 11 to 9 1/2 hrs a day. I’ve just never had this happen. When I had my daycare in my hometown, most of my kids were going off to Kindergarten or 4k when I closed there and the parents were still begging me to stay, to have the opposite happening here is just, a little hard to take, lol.

      • I know it’s hard not to take it personally, especially when you put everything into caring for those kids. It sounds like you provide awesome care and genuinely love working with them. For now, enjoy the less hours of work, and more hours for taking care of you 🙂

  2. I’m sorry that you’re feeling so down right now. I’m sorry that things are just not lining up for you. I hope you will take this time to figure out what you really want to do. As someone already said, I am sure you have many skills that you probably just take for granted. No matter what happens, please know that you’re not alone and you are loved. Maybe it would be a good time to talk to someone like a counselor? Thinking of you and sending lots of hugs your way (if you want them)!

    • Thank you so much for your hugs…I always love hugs! You’re right, it may be time to see a counselor. This past weekend, we were talking about J maybe going to see a grief counselor because of well, all sorts of things, but 4 deaths in a year is a bit much for anyone, but it may be time for me to see one as well.

      • Yes, four deaths in one year is definitely too much for anyone to handle. ❤ There's no shame in talking to someone for any reason. Life can just be overwhelming at times. More hugs to you!

  3. Oh sweetie, I am so sorry you are feeling this! First, let me say that I can related to how you are feeling right now – since leaving my job almost a year ago I’ve been going through a similar crisis of what do I do next, how do I find a way to make a decent income from home, how do I market my skills? And at times its very hard not to get down on yourself when things aren’t going well for you. But, that said, I know you have skills, I absolutely know you do!! It’s just a matter of figuring out how to capitalize on your skills (p.s. if you figure out this key part let me know how you did it!!)
    I’m sending you love my friend and I’m hoping that you start to see more sunshine through the clouds.

    • Thank you so much! Everyone’s comments have absolutely helped. I think the part I’m most anxious about is just not contributing enough financially and racking up credit card bills while I’m getting my footing again. I’ve gone over and over on what I could do, but it all comes down to wanting to be able to be at home once we get a match. Unfortunately, we just can’t afford for me to not work consistently right now. We would have to really downsize and with 2 dogs and 3 cats in the house, you can only downsize so much. Our house isn’t huge, just a ranch style house, but the area we live in is a little more pricey, on the upside, I don’t drive to work and J’s school is half a block away so we don’t have to fill up our cars a lot. The car issue is a whole other problem. Neither of our vehicles can hold a car seat, so we need to switch one of those out too. We have mine for sale on craigslist, but no bites so far. All of my skills lie in a home and taking care of it. With the family I nannied for, I was basically a household manager, more than a nanny. I took care of everything. Scheduling and taking the kids/pets to their appts., playdates, taking care of the house and any appts. that needed to be made for that. Organizing the house, grocery shopping, laundry, playdates, activities…I did it all and I was really good at it. Unfortunately, there’s not much of a calling for that around here. I wish my Sister could afford to hire me because she’s the one that really needs my skills, lol. Thank you for the love, my friend!

      • I hate how we are both stuck living in the place of planning a life for when we get matched, having absolutely no idea when that will be! It’s a hard way to live.
        I have no idea how to do it, but have you thought about looking into being an personal assistant? I’ve heard you can do it pretty well online. Anyways, I don’t know enough to know if it’s a good idea, but I thought I’d throw it out there for you to consider in case you hadn’t already thought about it.

  4. Oh lady, I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. I wish there was a way I could help. I’m sure it’s not easy when what you do isn’t consistent as you have kids leaving and new kids coming in. My current daycare provider is down on numbers right now too with families going other ways. I’m a person who likes consistently so I can only imagine how frustrating this is for you. I’ll be thinking of you and hoping this situation works itself out!

    • Thank you! It is hard…in some situations, it’s an okay thing. Like after I got over the shock of the first 2 leaving…I realized it was way better for the hours I would have to work, but now, that’s exactly why I’m going to have to let a 3rd go too. I just never had this problem at my old daycare. Once I was established there, I was rarely down in numbers and a few of my kids stayed from babies to kindergarten with the rest being with me at least a few years before I closed to move here.

  5. Love you and praying for some guidance. Hopefully taking a break over summer will help you figure things out! I definitely get to the end of my rope with my job and it sucks. prayers!

  6. Oh sugars! I am so sorry you are having a rough time! There must be something floatin in the air because I have been a bucket of tears lately too! I am prayin for you tonight. Prayin for doors to open wide. I feel that God is up to something so just hang in there. He sees the end from the beginning and will work all things out for your good(Romans 8:28). Love ya! ❤️

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