That’s what I’ve been asking myself and it’s why I haven’t really written much of anything lately.
Infertility is hard. Miscarriage is hard. Except for maybe the first couple weeks after finding out I was going to miscarry, and then dealing with the actual symptoms for over a week, I really haven’t cried much about it or even probably thought about it a lot, until lately. I think I just internalized it all.
After losing 4 people that I was extremely close to (my boss from the cafe I worked at all though hs and college in Jan 2007, then my Grandma in Nov. 2007, my Uncle in 2009 and my Dad less than a year later in 2010), I’ve kind of become numb to death. How sad is that? And it’s not that I’m not sad…I am and I cry when it happens, but then for at least the first year, especially with my Dad…I just kind of pretended that I was still in CT and just couldn’t see him much. It’s probably totally unhealthy, but it’s worked for me up until now.
We’ve all seen infertility wreck marriages and we’ve seen them grow stronger because of it. J and I were always in the later category until this year. It’s been a rough year. We’ve grown apart. We’ve been busy with separate things and not making a point to concentrate on each other. We haven’t been doing our devotions, we haven’t been good about going to Church (we do watch it live from our living room sometimes, but not always), and we haven’t been good about praying together or separately. Once he was done coaching, I got busy with Young Living, Thirty One and Family Promise and now that it’s nice out, he’s been taking on lawn mowing and tree trimming jobs.
What’s good is that we recognize that this is happening and had a long talk this weekend. It’s time to re-connect. Time to turn back to God and to each other. Time to enjoy what’s happening now and make sure the time we do spend together is quality time. I waited almost 34 years for that man, so this marriage failing is just not an option…ever. And I don’t think we’re headed that way, but the talk was needed. Some changes in our lives and relationship need to happen and I seriously need to find away to be happy with my work again and also to find some motivation and determination to be healthy and lose weight because I think it’s seriously effecting my demeanor at this point. You think that would be enough motivation, but it doesn’t seem to be.
This 3 week vacation cannot come soon enough for me!
In other news: I have started a Thirty One adoption fundraiser for us.
If there is something you need/want or have a gift you need to buy for someone, here is the link:
I will close it out May 18th. Please do not feel obligated in anyway to purchase…your friendship and prayers are plenty. I am giving away any free product that results though so for every $50 in orders, you get your name in a drawing for the free product.
I hope you are all well!
Lots of Love~Dawn