Where Do I Begin?

That’s what I’ve been asking myself and it’s why I haven’t really written much of anything lately.

Infertility is hard.  Miscarriage is hard.  Except for maybe the first couple weeks after finding out I was going to miscarry, and then dealing with the actual symptoms for over a week, I really haven’t cried much about it or even probably thought about it a lot, until lately.  I think I just internalized it all.

After losing 4 people that I was extremely close to (my boss from the cafe I worked at all though hs and college in Jan 2007, then my Grandma in Nov. 2007, my Uncle in 2009 and my Dad less than a year later in 2010), I’ve kind of become numb to death.  How sad is that?  And it’s not that I’m not sad…I am and I cry when it happens, but then for at least the first year, especially with my Dad…I just kind of pretended that I was still in CT and just couldn’t see him much.  It’s probably totally unhealthy, but it’s worked for me up until now.

We’ve all seen infertility wreck marriages and we’ve seen them grow stronger because of it.  J and I were always in the later category until this year.  It’s been a rough year.  We’ve grown apart.  We’ve been busy with separate things and not making a point to concentrate on each other.  We haven’t been doing our devotions, we haven’t been good about going to Church (we do watch it live from our living room sometimes, but not always), and we haven’t been good about praying together or separately.  Once he was done coaching, I got busy with Young Living, Thirty One and Family Promise and now that it’s nice out, he’s been taking on lawn mowing and tree trimming jobs.

What’s good is that we recognize that this is happening and had a long talk this weekend.  It’s time to re-connect.  Time to turn back to God and to each other.  Time to enjoy what’s happening now and make sure the time we do spend together is quality time.  I waited almost 34 years for that man, so this marriage failing is just not an option…ever.  And I don’t think we’re headed that way, but the talk was needed.  Some changes in our lives and relationship need to happen and I seriously need to find away to be happy with my work again and also to find some motivation and determination to be healthy and lose weight because I think it’s seriously effecting my demeanor at this point.  You think that would be enough motivation, but it doesn’t seem to be.

This 3 week vacation cannot come soon enough for me!

In other news:  I have started a Thirty One adoption fundraiser for us.

If there is something you need/want or have a gift you need to buy for someone, here is the link:

http://www.mythirtyone.com/647800/shop/Party/EventDetail/8258586

I will close it out May 18th.  Please do not feel obligated in anyway to purchase…your friendship and prayers are plenty.  I am giving away any free product that results though so for every $50 in orders, you get your name in a drawing for the free product.

I hope you are all well!

Lots of Love~Dawn

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25 thoughts on “Where Do I Begin?

  1. I am the same way with grief! When my mom died I just pretended that she was in Cali and I was in PA, and I’d see her in a few months. Sometimes I still can’t believe she’s really gone. I’ve worked a lot with my therapist to not handle grief that way, but it’s so easy to slip back into it. I’m so glad that you and J had a good talk. It’s important to keep the communication open. Xo.

    • Thank you for your comment…It’s kind of nice to know that I’m not the only one that deals with it that way, but yeah, I had a feeling it probably isn’t the best way to handle it. I should probably have J find out through school which counselors we can use. They have some sort of program through there.

  2. I too am somewhat numb to death. Sometimes I feel bad that I don’t react the same way others do. You are right about infertility being the make it or break it kind of thing. So many couples don’t survive the struggle. I am glad that you and your husband had a talk and realize that you are starting to pull away from eachother. I did look at your 31 party briefly but didn’t really delve into it. I will look later 🙂

    • Thank you! I initially react the way anyone would when someone dies, but then I just relegate it to the back of my brain and don’t think about it. Now, if it was my Mom or my Sisters, nieces or nephews…people that I interact with every day, there’s no way that technique would work and I don’t even want to know what kind of mess I would be. I can’t think about things like that without crying.

  3. I love your resolve to not continue to grow apart! I think your decision to talk about it, spend time together and work to strengthen your marriage is the absolute best combination!
    And I love the adoption fundraiser! I so hope you make a bit of extra money to go towards you future family! 🙂

    • Thank you! Despite each of our flaws…I know we are meant to be together and balance each other out pretty well. Some flaws have been exacerbated by the infertility and stress so it’s just finding new healthy ways for each of us to deal with our grief together instead of apart and in unhealthy ways. 🙂

      • It sounds like you two are beautiful together! And there is so much for others to learn from couples like you who choose to get through the hard stuff together!! Love to you my friend, I know you two will find healthy ways to deal with your grief together. 🙂

  4. I’m glad you and your husband could have a constructive talk about things. I’m wishing you both all the very best! ❤

  5. I also have some sort of disconnect with death and grieving. I think it’s also because I lost three of my grandparents (who I was really close to) in a short period of time. Living far away from them, I wasn’t able to attend any of their funerals, and now I “just don’t do funerals”, because if I couldn’t make it to theirs, it somehow feels disrespectful to go to other people’s.

    Infertility is so hard on a marriage. I am glad you find God to be such a grounding strength for you two.

    • Thank you! I totally get why you would feel that way. It’s hard when you live far away from your loved ones. I was so thankful that I had moved back home a year before my Uncle’s and 2 years before my Dad’s. I wish I would’ve made sure to spend more time with them than I had, but it was better than being half a country away in CT.

  6. I wouldn’t want to sound like I’m edifying anyone here but the way you deal with grief can have a serious impact on your future if you bottle up those emotions like that. Pretending that something is still there can really make you never cope with this loss at all. You really need to face it and feel the worst you can feel for a period of time to finally be able to go on. If you won’t do this there will come a time you won’t be able to push it away anymore and then it might be close to impossible to deal with those feelings. I wish everybody here all the best.

    • Hi George! Thank you for your comment and concern. I just wanted to reassure you that I have accepted that these people are gone. That pretending thing really only works for about a year and that’s stretching it since I would still come home from CT 3-4 times a year. Grieving just isn’t the typical process for me as it’s laid out in those steps.

  7. I love that you guys recognized it before it was too late and came up with a plan of resolution. Coming back to prayer and church is so key in a marriage. I remember a time when I was working so much that I was too tired to go to church. And so we didn’t. And I clearly remember our marriage suffering during that time. You both are in my prayers. And I just want to say that you are such an inspiration to so many! Xo

  8. It’s an awesome thing that you recognized it and made a point to talk about it. It’s very sad but understandable when things like this contribute to the loss of a marriage. I’ll be praying for you both!

  9. It’s a good step in the right direcrion when you acknowledge ur marriage needs some work. Everyone deals with certain emotions differently. If u can work together to get back on track u will be ok. Praying for u two

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