Submission

I hate it and frankly, it tends to piss me off!

Listen, I get it.  J’s the head of the household and ultimately, gets to make the final decision on things.  However, I spent 17 years of my adult life (from 18-35) making my own decisions.  Sure, I would seek the counsel of my Mom on anything big (and usually listened to her since she is very rarely wrong) but ultimately, the decision was mine to make.

Fast forward getting married, and all of a sudden, I need to talk purchases over with another person and sometimes, seek permission.  And let me tell you, often times, permission is not granted and it pisses me off.  Sometimes, I can take it with a grain of salt, okay, rarely I can take it like a grain of salt and other times, it breaks my heart (like when he first said no to Bandit…and he was free).  This weekend is one of those times that it’s really pissing me off.

So, back story, last April, we sold my Kia Soul to try and go down to one car for the summer and save some money.  I quickly realized that I hated not having my independence.  By the time we got home from vacation in July, I was ready for my own vehicle again so we went car shopping.  I wanted something practical, like a Toyota prius, and wanted to lease it so it’d be more affordable for us and I work from home and J walks to school so we don’t have commuter miles.  Instead, we came away with this.  Although I look happy in the pic, I actually did not want that car.  J and the salesman had to talk me into it.  Well, I should have stuck with my gut instinct because before the month was over, it was already having problems.  The coolant needs to be refilled every few weeks and it wouldn’t start and kept having to be jumped.  We took it back to where we bought it and they put in a new alternator but the coolant problem never got fixed.  Guess where that car has been for the last  3 weeks?  I’ll give you a hint…not in our garage!

Nope, we decided to take it to a mechanic because we need to sell it.  Neither of our vehicles is conducive to holding a car seat and with going through the adoption process, I want an SUV that will hold us, the dogs and the baby.  Our regular mechanic is out of commission having his knees replaced so we went to a place nearby that had good reviews.  Well, he put dye in it the first week to see if there was any visible leaks and there wasn’t.  So then, he tells us to pick it up and drive it around for a week and if the dye gets in the motor, then we will know for sure it’s the head gasket.  So J picks it up the Friday before Mother’s day, stops at the bakery to pick something up for his Mom, comes out to drive home and the car won’t start.     We borrow my Mom’s triple A card and get it towed back there.  Finally, at the end of last week, they look at it and say it’s the starter, so we give them the go ahead to order the starter and then they call and say they don’t think it’s the starter after all, it’s the flywheel (don’t ask, I have no idea).  So needless to say, car still not in working order and we still don’t really know what’s actually wrong with it.

So Saturday, I said I wanted to go shopping for a car.  I have 3 criteria which J knew before hand and agreed to.

  • It needs to be from this decade so a 2010 or newer.
  • It needs to have bluetooth.  I’m sure this will be a law before long in WI.
  • It needs to have a sun/moon roof.  We both want this.

So we stop at a dealership Saturday and low and behold, like the 4th car we seen in the used car part has everything I want and is the exact color I prefer.  So, we go in, and ask to test drive it.  It’s great…rides smooth and has everything I want plus way more.  Go back in and figure out what the payments would be, J says he needs to sleep on it and wants us to look at our budget again.  Okay, fine, there going to be closed the next 2 days anyways so it’s not like someone could snatch it out from under me.  Well, Saturday night after working outside all night and a couple of beers, he says I can get it but still wants to do the budget, fine, we have to do it for the adoption paperwork anyways.  Monday morning, we finally do it.  We’re actually in better shape going into the summer than I thought we would be because I thought his last paycheck would be the 15th and it’s not til June 30th.

Well, guess who changed his mind.  Now he doesn’t want to get the car and keeps trying to find me other cheaper cars that don’t fit my criteria and I’m sorry, I may sound like a spoiled brat to some of you, but I’m just having none of it.  My gut told me not to get that stupid convertible and I should have listened to it and I am not backing down on what I want this time.  For me, this is the worst part of marriage, having to seek permission.

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13 thoughts on “Submission

  1. ugh! I get it girl! I am wanting to trade in our 2008 Saturn Vue for a 2015 Toyota Sienna because if we continue to have our foster child any longer, we need it! She is still in a five point harness car seat (per state rules) but her legs are getting so long that she is having trouble climbing into her car seat and then not kicking the back of my seat. And this summer we are taking a vacation to Fl. The last time we went to visit Daniel’s family in florida with the VUE it was so crowded. And this time around we will have more stuff. He keeps saying we can get one but every time I suggest we go look at them,etc. he backs out. UGH! I get it though…right now we have zero debt and he doesn’t want a car payment anymore. But I don’t have time to save up for a 2015 Toyota Sienna. LOL! Ain’t nobody got time for dat! bahaha

  2. I’m sorry you are going through this. Does he ask you for permission for his purchases? My SIL was in the same boat and my mother told her she was being dumb for allowing my brother control her expenses since she brings income in as well. Big expenses are understandable to discuss but it shouldn’t be a one person decision especially when his previous choice caused you more money than saving. Same thing happened to J and I we were trying to save and the car broke down 2 months later. It was a pain in the rear so we ended up fixing it as much as we could and traded it in for a new car to avoid further stress. Goodluck hope you guys can come to an agreement.

  3. I’m going to try really, really hard to not be offensive here. That can be difficult when religion is involved. But I think you have to think about what the most important thing is – your husband’s status as head of household simply because he is male, or what’s best for your family? From what I’ve read, he’s the primary breadwinner, so that does give him a bit of weight, but if he’s not thinking about what’s best, where does that leave you? Someone has to be the responsible party…

    Disclaimer: I’m the primary breadwinner in our family (although we both work full-time) and I’m also the primary budgeter, so I usually get final say over things. My husband also tends to be a bit flighty when it comes to spending money, so if I don’t put my foot down, we’d be in serious financial trouble by now.

    • Oh! I suppose I should add, I firmly believe that compromise and partnership is important. I never veto any of his ideas without talking to him first about what he wants, why he wants it, and how he thinks we can pay for it (which usually results in him realizing on his own that his bad ideas really are bad), and I never insist of having my own way unless he’s on board (for example, I REALLY want to replace the carpet with laminate, but he’s not on board yet so I’m waiting until he comes around).

  4. Aww that sounds frustrating. As calcandide says, I’m not sure if this is a religious thing as I don’t feel at all that I have to “submit” to my partner. We are different and equal in our relationship and we usually manage to compromise, or reach agreement on what we should do. Even if we don’t agree in the first place we can usually take the time to listen to each other’s point of view and even though we have quite hearty debates(!) we do respect the other’s opinions.

    I don’t think anyone has the right to order the other person around… sorry if that sounds offensive as I don’t mean it to be. What I mean is, both people are equally as important in an adult relationship. Nobody in my view gets the ultimate say just because they’re male or they earn more money. In our relationship we generally contribute an equal amount to the partnership but we contribute different things. If one of us gives more money than the other gives more to the upkeep of the house or whatever. If one of us is maxed at work, the other will look after shopping got groceries and dinner and cleaning and stuff. And one of us is much better at being strong and carrying things and one is better at buying gifts for friends and family!

    I guess what I’m saying is that both of you should feel that your opinions are respected. Maybe if it’s a spending decision then that means the higher earner gets more sway… I still have difficulty with that as I think we are in stuff together so ultimately we share financial responsibility (and I’m the higher earner… so try to pay a bit more of the boring day to day stuff like groceries… we still make big decisions together). So I feel sad that you think you don’t get a say and you just have to submit to your husband’s views. I honestly don’t mean to be offensive if it is a religious reason (I was brought up Christian so I know it says stuff in Christianity as well as other religions) – but I think in a partnership that the views of BOTH partners should be respected and considered.

    Hope you’re okay and feeling better. x

  5. Oh man, this situation sucks! I don’t think you sound unreasonable at all. I would just tell him that your mind is made up, and that while you love and respect him, and you understand why he is concerned, that you really feel that this is the best car for your family.
    I can’t imagine letting my husband make all of the decisions. We entered the marriage as a partnership, and each of us needs to be taken into account on anything big. I hope you get this resolved soon, and that your husband comes around.

  6. I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this. I must be in the minority here because this wouldn’t even be up for debate in my house. I don’t take no for an answer and my husband knows this. I don’t think what you’re asking for is obsurd or anything. You make several good points of why you need a vehicle like this. I hope you’re able to work out your differences on this one. Good luck!

  7. When he does the budget you need to ensure he considers the long term costs!! It might be difficult for a couple of months upfront, but if it’s cheaper in the long run because of reliability it becomes a no brainer!!

    I bought a convertible 2006 Chrysler over 2 years ago, I’m surprised nothing has gone wrong with it yet! (Touch wood) but it is totally impractical for a child so my hubby said we could swap cars. But I like you, would prefer to have two reliable and comfortable cars! Hopefully soon I will be having a similar conversation with my hubby…

    Marriage-never a straight flat path to a beautiful sunset!!!!

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