Truth Part 3

Truth:  I’m a little (possibly a lot) envious of all you who are going through IVF or preparing to go through it.

It’s not that I necessarily want to pump my body full of hormones or go through all that IVF entails, but that I want that chance to experience pregnancy and because of finances (and age), I’m not getting that chance.  And lately, that has really been bothering me.

I mean, come on, infertility sucks enough as is, but when we get the few choices we have taken away because of money, it just sucks even more.  I know, I know, I’m preaching to the choir here.

Anyways, I don’t know why exactly it’s been on mind so much.  Maybe it’s because so many of you that I follow are either pregnant as a result of IVF, in the middle of IVF or gearing up for IVF.  Maybe it’s because one month from today is supposed to be my due date and it’s starting to hit me (the box full of similac samples welcoming me to the sisterhood of motherhood that showed up in the mail yesterday really didn’t help).  I really don’t know why it’s hitting me so hard now.

I’m excited for adoption, I am.  I think that I’m just finally starting to mourn the fact that I may never get to be pregnant.  I’ve started researching embryo adoption a bit, but who am I kidding, right now, it’s not even close to feasible.  We’re dealing with the stupid car, I have 1 full time daycare kid for Fall and few part timers and no prospects right now for more.  I am really starting to worry and get scared and trying really hard not to show it to J because he is the money worrier and I need to be strong and help him to keep Faith that God will provide.

Faith, I just need to keep the Faith.

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24 thoughts on “Truth Part 3

  1. First, I so hope you find another day care kid or two and quickly.
    Second, I so know what you mean about wanting to be pregnant. I absolutely get it. Just the other night I said to Mr. MPB, maybe we should try again after this adoption is done. He looked at me like I had three heads. But you know, I want to feel a baby kick, I want to have all of those experiences. I know realistically it’s not a good idea for us to try again because my blood flow issues just aren’t going to produce a healthy child. But, part of me still longs for that, and I suspect part of me always will.

    • Thank you, Friend. I hate that you will not get that chance. I hate that more than likely, I also won’t. However, as much as I hate this journey that we’ve had to endure, I am also Thankful for it because of all the wonderful women I have “met” because of it. I can no longer imagine what it’s like to not have you all here for advice and encouragement.

  2. I hate that all IF treatment is so expensive. Its just not fair! I think how u are feeling is so normal, as a woman, that desire to be pregnant and give birth. This doesnt mean u arent excited to adopt like u said. I worry all the time about not being able to ever have my own child even through IVF. Then I wonder will adoption fulfill my hopes and dreams? Know u are not alone. I am praying for u, friend. U deserve all the best!

  3. It was hard decision for us to move right into IVF without trying IUI first. Our biggest thing is that we are getting impatient and I have a gut feeling that this is how we are meant to get pregnant. I fortunately had a Whole Life Insurance Policy that I cashed out as well as Stock in Xcel Energy that was gifted to me from my Grandpa. That is how we paid for our upcoming IVF cycle. If we have to do more than one… well that is to be determined on how we will pay for it. It sucks that Insurance doesn’t help, it sucks that any of us have to go through it. I think that you going through your emotions is completely normal. Continue to let them out and work through them. That is the best thing you can do for yourself and your husband. I hope that all the adoption stuff goes smoothly for you!

  4. I think what you’re feeling is normal. I’ve been thinking about our miscarriage after IVF pretty much constantly, and I realised that it just may not happen. I may never get to be pregnant and end up with a baby. I keep asking T how he would feel if we were childless, like I need reassurance that we would still be us and we would still be okay. I think the thoughts you are having are normal and they don’t indicate anything negative about adoption. As an adopted person I can still appreciate that my parents’ sorrow about their infertility (the reason they chose to adopt) does not negate the fact that they love me and I am just as much of their child as their bio children.

    • Thank you so much! It means a lot to me that you understand where I’m coming from. I absolutely know I can love a child I didn’t give birth too unconditionally, I think it’s just grieving not being able to have the experience of being pregnant.

  5. You’re definitely entitled to feel this way. I know about the desire to carry your own child. It has to be so hard, but I think you’re making a very brave choice by going to adoption. It’s what my mom did too. I, on the other hand, I’m gearing up for IVF and I’m terrified. What if it doesn’t work? What if I worry and stress about the finances, and don’t have a baby to show for it after the fact? With adoption- you’re going to be a mommy. And as an adopted child, I can tell you that adopted mommy’s are the best in the world. So many *hugs* to you.

    • Thank you so much! It’s so nice to hear from those that have been adopted. And I get your being terrified. That was our worry with IVF and at this time we know that more than likely, we’ll only be able to afford one or the other. Adoption was the best avenue to insure that I will be a Mommy someday. Prayers to you as you gear up for IVF.

  6. Ugh! I am so sorry hun! I know it’s so tough! For me, I would love to do IVF again (or the fleshly parts of me would). Our insurance even covers it. But deep down inside, I don’t have peace about it. When I pray, it’s so strong to not pursue it. And so I wait. And I trust. And I wait. :/

    • I love that you get such a strong feeling about it and as always, I love your trust in Him, even when it’s so difficult. Thank you by the way for my card. I so appreciate your encouragement and thoughtful words. Love you, my Friend!

  7. It’s so hard to sit and ‘wait’. I often think it would be so much easier/better to pursue treatments, but that is not what God has called us to do. I think the proactive part of doing something would feel better, but at the end of the day I know that having peace is more important! I want an Isaac, not an Ishmael!

    • Yes, I am also in awe of you patience to wait. I know that you don’t always feel patient and I can’t imagine how difficult it must be to continue to sit back and wait. I do think you’re being as proactive as you can be without pursuing treatments or adoption though. I do feel like God called us to adopt. Even if we found out this cycle we are pregnant, we would continue to pursue adoption at this point.

  8. I hate that money even has to be a factor. DH and I try not to think about the credit card debt we’ve racked up due to IVF. And I know if this doesn’t work out we can’t spend any more on adoption. It’s unfair. And it’s perfectly fine to feel jealous or upset that something like money can stand in the way of your dream.

  9. Keeping the faith is HARD when you’re scared. I can’t really offer any encouraging words because I often struggle with this. You’re not alone, though, and God has a plan and knows exactly what’s happening! Nothing is a surprise to him. That always gives me comfort when I think about it.

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