Our perceptions of our bodies is an interesting thing.
Up until I moved to CT, I really didn’t think too much about my body. I ate what I wanted. I didn’t work out. I was pretty darn happy. This continued for quite awhile in CT. At some point, my lack of working out and eating whatever I wanted caught up to me. What I hated most was my thighs. The weight always went directly to my thighs.
I hit my 30’s and I had to take working out more seriously. I started trying to be good with food but inevitably, it wouldn’t last long. But still, as long as I was working out, I could slim down the bump in my tummy pretty quickly.
That brings us to this year. I am heavy. I am 5’1 and almost 170lbs. I was at Pilates class on Thursday night and I looked in the mirror and I didn’t even recognize myself. How sad is that? My arms weren’t toned at all. My boobs are huge and sagging, even in a sports bra. My stomach has the biggest pooch ever and my thighs are their usual hugeness. To add to that, I hate my calves! They’re huge and it’s almost impossible to find boots that will fit around them (unfortunately, there’s no changing that…J says it’s because I have slow twitch fibers).
I’m uncomfortable in my own skin and I hate it. It’s going to take a lot of work to get back to where I’m happy with what I see and how I feel. Fibromyalgia makes it difficult. I can strength train, but finding a cardio routine that works for me is proving a little more difficult. Yet today, I went to the gym and burned 700 calories and I’m really proud of that. I’m proud of myself for getting up and moving more than I was. I’m excited to see changes but know that it’s going to be hard because it’s not going to be instant gratification and I REALLY like instant gratification.
I look back and old pictures and hate that I wasted time thinking I was fat, because I didn’t even realize how big I could actually get.