Maybe I’m Not Meant to be a Mom

That is how I felt and the words I uttered to J Thursday evening after a rough day of daycare and more attitude from L.

The point of this blog and most of our blogs is to be real and honest with each other, right?  Well, let me be honest, fostering has probably been the hardest thing I’ve ever done and I have many moments now where I think, if we end up being child free, I could be happy.  And not only happy, but possibly even content.

Back to the other night.  I don’t know whether it’s that the honeymoon period is over, if this is just normal testing of the boundaries, or if it has something to do with visits with BM, but Wednesday after school, L was giving major attitude and ended up getting sent to her room where she slammed the door (she’s 5!).  Thursday, after school, she had a visit with BM and then had to do homework.  It had been a long day with no break because one of the babies was off his usual schedule and I didn’t get to eat lunch til about 4pm.  On top of that, her visit was scheduled from 3:30-5.  I should have been done with daycare at 4:30 and had a half hour of peace to chill out but my Tues-Wed family asked if they could bring the kids on Thursday and then ended up not getting there til 4:45 to pick up and then L and BM came up from the basement early and sat at the island in the kitchen which was just awkward for both me and poor H.  BM and parent aid left a little after 5 and L started her math sheet.  By the time J walked in the door at 5:30, I was so frustrated by the last couple of days and L’s lack of concentration that I told him he was in charge of the last problem (which is something she did the night before x4 so she knew perfectly well what she needed to do) and I went to bed with my book and cried.

J came in and that’s when I told him that maybe I’m just not meant to be a Mom.  Maybe I’m just meant to care for kiddos during the day and then send them home.  I miss having my weekends and my time to myself to do what I want, when I want and without constant questions and “help”.  Maybe it’s just that I was thrust into this unexpectedly with a child that hasn’t been properly taught what is and is not okay so there’s a lot of re-learning to do on her part and patience on ours and some days, the daycare kids take all the patience I have.  Maybe it’s that I didn’t get to start Motherhood with a baby that doesn’t talk back and work my way up to questions and helping.  Maybe it’s that I’ve spent my whole adulthood pretty much doing things when and how I wanted to do them and to now have “help” that makes each task take so much longer than it needs to is just a lot for this lady to take.

I know, I’m sounding horrible and selfish right now.  Trust me, I know.  It’s just a lot to get used to.  H isn’t so hard to have around.  She’s 17 and self-sufficient for the most part.  It hasn’t been easy by any means but for some reason, I just handle teenagers better.  I’ve always loved teens and would totally do a daycare for teens if parents would pay me to do that, lol.

So, I’m left to ponder, I am feeling this way just because I was thrust into this unexpectedly with a child that isn’t mine and wasn’t raised anywhere near how I would raise our children.  Children that have seen and heard and had things happen to them that no children either of their ages should have to go through.  That no one ever should go through, period.  Or I am just so set in my ways 1 year and less than 2 months before I turn 40 that Childfree would be the better way to go at this point.

J thinks (as does my family) that I am still meant to be a Mom.  They remind me continuously, that when we have our own children, it won’t be like this.  There will still be attitude, there will still be difficulties, but we will know how our child has been raised and what they’ve been through.  We will know that attitude is the result of testing boundaries and we will be allowed to discipline as we see fit.  There won’t be visitations 2 times a week with someone who’s just about having fun right now and not about teaching them how to be a good and kind person.  Our children will grow up hearing and knowing about God’s love from the time they are born instead of having this concept be pretty if not completely foreign to them.

As always, Thank you, Dear Friends, for the love, support and prayers you send our way.  I miss keeping up with your blogs daily and being able to comment more often.  Know that I am still following and reading, just at a much slower pace than it used to be.

Lots of Love ~ Dawn

Just Breathe

Hello Friends!

How are we already 6 days into the new year?  So far, I’m having a rough time working on my word of the year, Focus.

The one thing I have managed to accomplish up until this morning was starting my day with God and reading His word.  This morning, the snooze button won after a particularly difficult day yesterday.

So what’s been happening here?

L had a particularly hard time going back to school after the break, to the point that she not only made herself throw up (well, it was more spit up than actual throw up) before going to school, but also threw up at school at lunch.  Luckily, her social worker was already on her way to pick her up for a therapy appt that she ended up missing just in case it was the flu.  It wasn’t, just as I knew it wasn’t.  This isn’t the first time she’s either pretended to be sick or made herself sick so that she can be at home with me.  It’s truly a fine line to walk trying to understand her anxiousness, but also letting her know in no uncertain terms that she needs to go to school and she cannot keep staying home just to be with here with me.  1.)  It’s important that she be at school learning and socializing and 2.) it makes my job that much harder during the day when she is here.  I totally get now why many daycare providers stop doing it after their kids are schoolage.  I’ve never wished I could be a true SAHM as much as I do now.  Visits with BM have also been getting scheduled, cancelled, moved around and such lately and it’s really hard on both L and myself since I never know what the schedule is going to be.  They also keep changing how many visits are going to happen a week.  It’s a truly frustrating process and when you add the hostility coming from BM, I also get why people either don’t want to mess with doing foster care or want out of it once they start.  It’s extremely hard!

H is doing pretty well but definitely has a case of senior-itis now that she got a taste of freedom from Christmas break, lol.  She’s making friends though and is staying at a friend’s house on Friday night.

J is back to school and girl’s basketball started last night so he’ll be crazy busy until the end of February.

And me?  I got back to the gym after Christmas, but now that work has started again, I’m finding it hard to get there again.  I should have gone last night, especially after the awful day I had, but I was making dinner and had cramps and just made excuses to not go.  This week back to work has been rough.  I had a new kiddo start and he cries (very loudly, quite a bit).  Monday was really bad, yesterday was better and so far today, it’s in-between the two.  My baby that started before Christmas has also had rough time being back and yesterday slept half an hour at the most at a time and spent pretty much the rest of the time screaming.  Finally around 2:15 he had a big poop.  It still didn’t make him all that happy til Daddy picked up and then he was all smiles, lol.

My goals for the rest of the week:

1.  Get to the gym tonight and tomorrow night at least.
2.  Get my planner filled in.
3.  Continue to spend time with God.

I hope you all are having a great start to your new year!  I’m a little behind on reading your blogs, but I will get caught up soon!

Lots of Love~Dawn

And the Word for 2016 Is…

Focus!

I’ve never picked a word out to focus on for the year before; and maybe focus is a little too broad, but it’s truly what I need to do.

See, my mind hasn’t been working all that well lately.  We joke about it, but I am a teensy bit scared of what is to come when I’m already having a hard time remembering to do things.  So what am I focusing on this year?

1. God~ I need to start making him my focus each and every day, preferably first thing in the morning when I don’t have a 5 yr old asking me why and I’m not exhausted from the day.
2. My health~ I was doing fantastic on this throughout November and the beginning of December and then it all went to shit when the girls came into our lives and I lost my balance.  I’m back to feeling like crap and drinking soda so this needs to change immediately and will be a huge focus.
3. Family~ It’s hard to go from being able to do whatever you want, whenever you want, to having children.  Especially 5 yr and 17 yr old children where normal family rules don’t apply.  We can have H watch L once in awhile, but we’re basically saving that for our small group nights twice a month so that L can be in bed when she needs to be.  We’re not starting off with this baby and then working our way up to a million questions and sassiness and all that good stuff.  We’re starting off with 2 girls who have seen and heard way more than they should have at this point in their lives.  Putting my own wants for downtime needs to get set aside at least until L is in bed for the night.  This is pretty easy to do when school is in session but has been much harder during this break.  My Sisters and I have also decided we need to get together at least once a quarter this year.  We don’t live so far from each other that Christmas is practically the only time that all 3 of us are together and the kids have a great time together.
4. Budget~ With having the girls show up right before Christmas and not at all expecting to be doing foster care; there was a lot we needed to buy to get the girls settled in and then of course we wanted them to have the joy and wonder of Christmas and presents from Santa.  I don’t regret it one bit, but we do have a hefty balance to pay off now and then we need to stick to a strict budget and start seriously saving because like it or not, I’m now pretty much going to have the summer off (which I will love as long as we are financially prepared).
5. Young Living~ If I want to some day be able to phase daycare out, I need to concentrate on helping my downline grow their teams and be good leaders.  This is hard for me because I’m not a natural teacher and I hate speaking in front of people, lol.
6. Daycare~ It’s about to get crazy up in here with the varying ages of children I’m going to have and the part timers that go in and out along with now being up to 3 full time kids.  I want to make sure I have plenty planned for the older kids that they can do without me if I need to be concentrating on the baby.
7. Friendships~ Nurturing my friendships is something I want to work on this year too.  Especially now that my time is no longer my own and it’s going to be harder to do.  I would like to send out at least one card a week to someone so they know that I’m thinking about them and care, even if we don’t get to chat often.

So there we go, those are my goal for 2016 and as soon as I can find the planner I bought, I will start getting things put in that, lol.  See what I mean about that mind of mine?!

Happy New Year, my Friends!  I couldn’t have made it through 2015 without you and I look forward to sharing our lives with each other through 2016.  May all our dreams come true this year!  Love to you all!!!!