Maybe I’m Not Meant to be a Mom

That is how I felt and the words I uttered to J Thursday evening after a rough day of daycare and more attitude from L.

The point of this blog and most of our blogs is to be real and honest with each other, right?  Well, let me be honest, fostering has probably been the hardest thing I’ve ever done and I have many moments now where I think, if we end up being child free, I could be happy.  And not only happy, but possibly even content.

Back to the other night.  I don’t know whether it’s that the honeymoon period is over, if this is just normal testing of the boundaries, or if it has something to do with visits with BM, but Wednesday after school, L was giving major attitude and ended up getting sent to her room where she slammed the door (she’s 5!).  Thursday, after school, she had a visit with BM and then had to do homework.  It had been a long day with no break because one of the babies was off his usual schedule and I didn’t get to eat lunch til about 4pm.  On top of that, her visit was scheduled from 3:30-5.  I should have been done with daycare at 4:30 and had a half hour of peace to chill out but my Tues-Wed family asked if they could bring the kids on Thursday and then ended up not getting there til 4:45 to pick up and then L and BM came up from the basement early and sat at the island in the kitchen which was just awkward for both me and poor H.  BM and parent aid left a little after 5 and L started her math sheet.  By the time J walked in the door at 5:30, I was so frustrated by the last couple of days and L’s lack of concentration that I told him he was in charge of the last problem (which is something she did the night before x4 so she knew perfectly well what she needed to do) and I went to bed with my book and cried.

J came in and that’s when I told him that maybe I’m just not meant to be a Mom.  Maybe I’m just meant to care for kiddos during the day and then send them home.  I miss having my weekends and my time to myself to do what I want, when I want and without constant questions and “help”.  Maybe it’s just that I was thrust into this unexpectedly with a child that hasn’t been properly taught what is and is not okay so there’s a lot of re-learning to do on her part and patience on ours and some days, the daycare kids take all the patience I have.  Maybe it’s that I didn’t get to start Motherhood with a baby that doesn’t talk back and work my way up to questions and helping.  Maybe it’s that I’ve spent my whole adulthood pretty much doing things when and how I wanted to do them and to now have “help” that makes each task take so much longer than it needs to is just a lot for this lady to take.

I know, I’m sounding horrible and selfish right now.  Trust me, I know.  It’s just a lot to get used to.  H isn’t so hard to have around.  She’s 17 and self-sufficient for the most part.  It hasn’t been easy by any means but for some reason, I just handle teenagers better.  I’ve always loved teens and would totally do a daycare for teens if parents would pay me to do that, lol.

So, I’m left to ponder, I am feeling this way just because I was thrust into this unexpectedly with a child that isn’t mine and wasn’t raised anywhere near how I would raise our children.  Children that have seen and heard and had things happen to them that no children either of their ages should have to go through.  That no one ever should go through, period.  Or I am just so set in my ways 1 year and less than 2 months before I turn 40 that Childfree would be the better way to go at this point.

J thinks (as does my family) that I am still meant to be a Mom.  They remind me continuously, that when we have our own children, it won’t be like this.  There will still be attitude, there will still be difficulties, but we will know how our child has been raised and what they’ve been through.  We will know that attitude is the result of testing boundaries and we will be allowed to discipline as we see fit.  There won’t be visitations 2 times a week with someone who’s just about having fun right now and not about teaching them how to be a good and kind person.  Our children will grow up hearing and knowing about God’s love from the time they are born instead of having this concept be pretty if not completely foreign to them.

As always, Thank you, Dear Friends, for the love, support and prayers you send our way.  I miss keeping up with your blogs daily and being able to comment more often.  Know that I am still following and reading, just at a much slower pace than it used to be.

Lots of Love ~ Dawn

30 thoughts on “Maybe I’m Not Meant to be a Mom

  1. Oh Dawn… Fostering is not an easy task and you really do need to show yourself some grace. Struggling has nothing to do with you ability to be a mom. To me, most of that does sound like attention-seeking behavior and BM do have a lot to do with a child’s behavior. The problem she is having is she doesn’t know how to express how she feels. She’s still so young and as adults we have trouble processing our emotions. A best friend of mine went through the foster system and she was DIFFICULT. We bonded because with my childhood, I probably should have been in foster care. But she’s still close with her foster parents (over 15 years since she’s been with them.) Things where very difficult for her foster parents, but don’t ever underestimate the impact you have on their lives. Yes, she’s giving you attitude but showing unconditional love is the best thing you can do and I know that’s hard to do. You are going through a huge adjustment and so are they. I’m sorry you’re struggling, but know I still think you’re pretty damn amazing. xoxo. Feel free to text if you want to talk about it at anytime. I’m here.

  2. I have followed you for some time and it is my strong opinion you would be a fantastic mother and enjoy it. Of course you are exhausted and frustrating– you are taking care of someone else’s kids all day and night. I imagine it can be rewarding but it just truly isn’t the same as your own child. When it is your own little one (adopted or long term foster that feels like yours or biological child) all the hard stuff feels so less hard and your deep emotional attachment gets you through it and gives you joy and pride to sustain you. I think you are special person to care for other’s kids so well. Be easy on yourself. You will make a great Mom. Xo

    • Thank you so much! I truly do not know what I would do without you Ladies. It is rewarding, just hard when you don’t know much about their previous life. Thank you for your insight also on what helps you get through it when they are your own and you know you’re not going to have to give them back some day.

  3. Even if you were holding your newborn right now, as I am, you would still be feeling this way. A lot. I feel this way. I miss my “old life.” I miss getting more than one or two hours sleep at a time and feeling like a real human being. I miss not having some screaming miniature demanding things all the time, and not being able to know for sure what it is she wants at any given time. I miss watching tv without interruption. Drinking. Not constantly having my boobs out. Washing my hair. There is no way to come into parenthood that isn’t a baptism by fire and I don’t think anyone comes away never once thinking “why the hell did we think this was a good idea?” You’re not a bad mom and you’re not “not meant to be” one, either. It would be so much more questionable if you were thinking it was a breeze.

    • Thank you, Anamarie! It’s helpful to know that I’m not the only one that feels this way and that even when it’s your child, it’s normal to miss your old life sometimes. That definitely helps lessen my guilt a bit.

  4. All the others have already said it so well that I don’t have much to add. Please be kind to yourself. What you are doing is hard, hard stuff, and you are doing the very best you can. You are meant to be a mom. I know it. You will be a great mom. And you already are a great foster mom, even if it doesn’t feel like it. Sending love to you.

  5. Oh Dawn! Being a mother is not an easy job and being a foster mom is propably the hardest job of all! I agree with Sondra’s comment about struggling having nothing to do with your ability to be a mom. I say, you are an amazing mom. You are caring, kind, infreadibly loving and dedicated, all traits of amazing moms. And every amazing mom has bad days. Try to be kind to yourself, because you deserve it!

    • Thank you, Friend! I know I keep saying it, but seriously, what would I do without you all?! Who knew, that when I started this blog, that some of my greatest supports would come from women I’ve never had the privilege of “meeting”. Makes me want to do a infertility blogger meet up all the more so that I can hug and thank each and every one of you in person!

  6. I think you are being way to hard on yourself. I can only imagine the challenges that come with fostering a child, especially at the age of 5, which is a difficult age. You have already proven that you will be an amazing mom by opening your home and heart to children who need it. Sending hugs.

  7. Nothing about this sounds selfish or horrible. I get frustrated with my SEVEN MONTH OLD who has always been raised by me. It’s just human nature. You’re doing an incredibly difficult thing. Here’s something: bad mothers never worry about being bad mothers. Good mothers do. ALL. THE. TIME.

  8. You are going to be a fantastic mother! You’re smart, fun, caring, nurturing, compassionate, loving, and dedicated. Please know that everyone has a hard time parenting (from talking to my friends, as I am obviously not a parent yet). Children have minds of their own and you can’t always predict or control what they are going to do. You’re an amazing person, keep up the amazing work you do 🙂

  9. Aww honey I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I think you are doing an amazing job. I can’t imagine being foster parents and the time with the BM and how that impacts the girls. Praying for you and know you are doing a great job 💕💕💕

  10. Oh Dawn, you’re going to be a fantastic mom, and it shows because you’re already kicking ass at fostering.

    With my now two-month old kiddo, I get SO frustrated sometimes, even when my parents or my in laws croon constantly about what an easy baby she is.

  11. Being a mom is tough, being a foster mom, I can only imagine the added levels of difficulty and strain. You’re doing an amazing thing for those kids and on brighter days I’m sure you get a lot as well.
    Don’t be so hard on yourself. You’re already a great mom and will continue to be 🌷

  12. I don’t have anything to add to what these great ladies have said, other than to say: You are doing a really important job. Don’t be hard on yourself. You’re making a difference to that child. And I hope you soon get to be a mum x

  13. Dawn, although I have not been in this situation, I feel like you are so very brave to take on fostering, and I think feeling like this is probably completely normal and acceptable. You are right, you went right into insta-family and it’s got to be intense. That little girl is in the foster system because somebody else couldn’t do what YOU ARE doing – giving her a stable home and showing her a normal life. She may never have had that and might just be testing you to see if you’ll give up. Fostering is an amazing thing, and it takes a pretty amazing woman to step up to the challenge of being a stand in mommy for those kids. Don’t beat yourself up, you’re already a rock star!

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