That is how I felt and the words I uttered to J Thursday evening after a rough day of daycare and more attitude from L.
The point of this blog and most of our blogs is to be real and honest with each other, right? Well, let me be honest, fostering has probably been the hardest thing I’ve ever done and I have many moments now where I think, if we end up being child free, I could be happy. And not only happy, but possibly even content.
Back to the other night. I don’t know whether it’s that the honeymoon period is over, if this is just normal testing of the boundaries, or if it has something to do with visits with BM, but Wednesday after school, L was giving major attitude and ended up getting sent to her room where she slammed the door (she’s 5!). Thursday, after school, she had a visit with BM and then had to do homework. It had been a long day with no break because one of the babies was off his usual schedule and I didn’t get to eat lunch til about 4pm. On top of that, her visit was scheduled from 3:30-5. I should have been done with daycare at 4:30 and had a half hour of peace to chill out but my Tues-Wed family asked if they could bring the kids on Thursday and then ended up not getting there til 4:45 to pick up and then L and BM came up from the basement early and sat at the island in the kitchen which was just awkward for both me and poor H. BM and parent aid left a little after 5 and L started her math sheet. By the time J walked in the door at 5:30, I was so frustrated by the last couple of days and L’s lack of concentration that I told him he was in charge of the last problem (which is something she did the night before x4 so she knew perfectly well what she needed to do) and I went to bed with my book and cried.
J came in and that’s when I told him that maybe I’m just not meant to be a Mom. Maybe I’m just meant to care for kiddos during the day and then send them home. I miss having my weekends and my time to myself to do what I want, when I want and without constant questions and “help”. Maybe it’s just that I was thrust into this unexpectedly with a child that hasn’t been properly taught what is and is not okay so there’s a lot of re-learning to do on her part and patience on ours and some days, the daycare kids take all the patience I have. Maybe it’s that I didn’t get to start Motherhood with a baby that doesn’t talk back and work my way up to questions and helping. Maybe it’s that I’ve spent my whole adulthood pretty much doing things when and how I wanted to do them and to now have “help” that makes each task take so much longer than it needs to is just a lot for this lady to take.
I know, I’m sounding horrible and selfish right now. Trust me, I know. It’s just a lot to get used to. H isn’t so hard to have around. She’s 17 and self-sufficient for the most part. It hasn’t been easy by any means but for some reason, I just handle teenagers better. I’ve always loved teens and would totally do a daycare for teens if parents would pay me to do that, lol.
So, I’m left to ponder, I am feeling this way just because I was thrust into this unexpectedly with a child that isn’t mine and wasn’t raised anywhere near how I would raise our children. Children that have seen and heard and had things happen to them that no children either of their ages should have to go through. That no one ever should go through, period. Or I am just so set in my ways 1 year and less than 2 months before I turn 40 that Childfree would be the better way to go at this point.
J thinks (as does my family) that I am still meant to be a Mom. They remind me continuously, that when we have our own children, it won’t be like this. There will still be attitude, there will still be difficulties, but we will know how our child has been raised and what they’ve been through. We will know that attitude is the result of testing boundaries and we will be allowed to discipline as we see fit. There won’t be visitations 2 times a week with someone who’s just about having fun right now and not about teaching them how to be a good and kind person. Our children will grow up hearing and knowing about God’s love from the time they are born instead of having this concept be pretty if not completely foreign to them.
As always, Thank you, Dear Friends, for the love, support and prayers you send our way. I miss keeping up with your blogs daily and being able to comment more often. Know that I am still following and reading, just at a much slower pace than it used to be.
Lots of Love ~ Dawn