And Just Like That…

Our hearts have broken into a million pieces.
It began 2 Mondays ago now with a court date for Baby R. We didn’t need to be at this but apparently we should have been because not only was Mom there, but also the Dad (who wasn’t even at R’s birth even though it was a scheduled cesarean), Grandma, H, and an Aunt, I think. BM didn’t want baby to be placed with us. She wanted to take her home, or to be placed with both her and Dad or if she couldn’t have that, she wanted Grandma to have her. The judge ordered the social worker to look into the Dad and Grandma for possible placement and our nightmare started.  
Thursday was the next hearing and this time J went to advocate for us. The SW had already told me that both her and the guardian ad litem felt that R should stay with us. Well, apparently these things are normally pretty cut and dry and last 15 minutes so instead of being at the hearing, the SW and her supervisor were at a training and a different SW (that apparently did nothing during the hearing to answer the judge’s questions) went in their place. Yeah, not good! After an almost 3 hour hearing, the judge ordered that Baby R be placed with Grandma (where BM is living right now for at least her 6 weeks of healing).
Needless to say, when J called me after the hearing was done, I burst into tears. We were/are devastated. When J got home, we sat down and had a talk with L about what was going to happen. She, of course, was very upset that her Sister was leaving. We asked L if she had a choice, would she want to go with her Sister to Grandma’s and she said yes. We were already thinking that although we absolutely don’t want her to leave, that emotionally, being completely separated from her family that is pretty much all living at Grandma’s now, would not be good for her. We didn’t want her to think that she was the one that did something wrong and that’s why she’s the only one not with them.  
We all cried together that day and we told her how much we love her and always will and that we are so proud of her and all she’s learned while she’s been with us. That night, we sent an email to the SW letting her know what we were thinking. She called the next morning to check on us before she even got our email. She was upset about this too. We told her what we were thinking and she agreed with our thought process on it. We then called BM and talked to her about it. Of course, she was ecstatic and said her Mom definitely would want L too. She told us that she still wants us in the girls lives and that L can call/visit us whenever she wants. She also said she’d like us to be R’s Godparents when the girls get baptized. Hopefully, she holds to all of this.
So, this past Monday, BM and Grandma came and picked up Baby R at noon. L stayed with us for the afternoon because she’d been invited to a birthday party at our neighbor’s house. After the party was over, we drove her out to her Grandma’s. The house is decent, but her room there is tiny. There’s no way all her stuff from our house is going to fit there so if you look in her room here, it pretty much looks like she still lives here. We did okay all day until we pulled out of that driveway and then we were both in tears. This last week has been the hardest of my life. Yes, J and I have gotten a ton done just in the last day they’ve been gone, but I miss them. I even miss getting up in the middle of the night to feed R. The house is very quiet now (well, as quiet as it can be with 2 dogs). I will do another blog post soon about how I truly feel about all of this and how broken this system is.
In adoption news, I’ve got nothing. BM’s caseworker said she’d be in touch early last week and we heard nothing from her. Even after I emailed to check in. I finally emailed our caseworker and she said that BM hadn’t been in touch with her caseworker at all and she had nothing new to report so that’s why she hadn’t been in touch. They said to try not to worry and all of this is normal and she may just need some space after making such a big decision. Apparently her caseworker thinks she may not hear from her again until she’s at the hospital. I hope not. I hate not having any updates or contact. Especially when the words, I want you to raise my baby, were not actually spoken. It was implied, but she didn’t just come out and say it so it’s really hard not to feel uneasy right now. I’m trying to just keep faith.
Other news…my BR surgery is TOMORROW!!! Holy crap, I am so not ready. As in, we’ve been painting the house like crazy since Friday and it’s not put back together or clean yet. I have a list a mile long of things I need to get done today.  
I hope you all are doing well. With everything that happened, I’m totally behind on what’s happening with you guys but I will have plenty of time to get caught up starting tomorrow. Love to you all!
Dawn

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20 thoughts on “And Just Like That…

  1. It takes a special kind of heart to take on the foster system and nurture and invest in little ones that may be gone suddenly. I am so sorry for your pain. Thinking of you all. Good luck in surgery! Xo

  2. My friend, I cried when I read your email and I’m crying again. (Sorry I haven’t responded to the email yet). I am so sad about how everything has transpired with R and L.
    As for thr adoption, i know it’s hard not to worry when there is no communication. The same thing happened to us and I remember the fears very well. There is nothing that will calm your fears at this point.
    Wishing you the best tomorrow with the surgery. The first 3-4 days are the hardest but totally worth it! 😊
    Please know that I’m thinking of you and sending so much love!

  3. Oh Dawn, I am so sorry for you all. How absolutely heartbreaking. There are no words. Please just know that you are always in my thoughts and I’m praying for your adoption, and for L and R, that things go well for them, even if they aren’t with you.

  4. Oh my heart really hurts for you (both) right now, I’m so sorry. I would be totally devastated as well. Hopefully you get to hear something fro the BM soon. And best of luck tmrw!!

  5. This kind of heartbreak terrifies me. I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through. It’s not fair. Thinking the best for you and also a quick recovery after your surgery. Take care.

  6. I’m so sorry to hear of this heartbreaking development. R and L are lucky to have had you in their lives. You are in my thoughts and I’m sending you big hugs.

    Good luck tomorrow! I hope everything goes smoothly with the surgery.

  7. I’m getting caught up after almost a month away from reading blogs, and my heart is broken for you. I cannot imagine having a baby placed with you only to have her taken away, and to lose her sister too. I’m so very, very sorry. I’m keeping my fingers crossed and sending out a message to the universe that your adoption goes through. Sending lots of love and “*hugs* your way. Good luck with surgery tomorrow!

  8. My heart broke when i read this post, Dawn. You are very strong and just by reading what you have written- I can tell you are dealing very well with this painful development. I hope everything works out well for you ALLL 😘😘😘 you’re in my prayers

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