From the Bottom of my Heart…

Thank you!  I cannot begin to tell you how much your words of love and support and prayers and virtual hugs meant to me.  I know I haven’t responded to each comment individually yet, I’m sorry about that, but I just needed to step away for a couple days and try very hard not to think about it too much (ok, so this was just about impossible).

Here’s what we know after getting an email and then also speaking with our caseworker.  As of Thursday, baby girl had not been born yet.  We thought maybe it had happened on Tuesday and that’s why she changed her mind.  Also, it was stated that if BM changes her mind again and goes back to the adoption plan, she still wants us to be the adoptive parents.  The caseworker said that she tells us that not to get our hopes up, but because she will then need to contact us to see if we still want that.  I still don’t understand what happened.  She was so sure and had been planning adoption from the beginning but I just hope and pray that if she gets the baby home and really can’t handle it, she will contact LSS.  We are trying very hard to keep faith in God and His plan.

I started packing up all the stuff that was donated to us when Baby R came and giving it back to all of my sweet friends.  Some stuff was just bought for us and I’m not sure what to do with that.  I also have a ton of returns to make for stuff that was bought (like the nursery decor that is specifically for a girl).  I just kind of want it all of the house so I don’t have to look at it anymore.

The hardest part has been not being able to sink myself into a physical, mind numbing project to get through this.  I can’t work on anything in the house, I can’t work out, I’m just stuck here with my thoughts.  I’ve been trying to put my mind to use on Family Promise and Young Living stuff, but it’s hard.  I just want to physically exhaust myself and I can’t do that for another 4 weeks and even then, I have to start out slow since I’m sure I’ll have lost all the muscles I managed to build before surgery, lol.

So, what’s next?  We asked to be put right back into the book.  She said we could wait if we wanted to see for sure what BM ends up doing or to grieve, but I told her no thanks.  I doubt someone else will pick us before BM has baby and figures it out (and I’m not holding my breath on her changing her mind) and we can grieve while we’re waiting.

As far as how my recovery has been going,  I had my 2 week follow up appt yesterday.  Everything is healing nicely but it is still possible to have fluid build up and bleeding so I’m still completely restricted of exercising, heavy lifting, and any cleaning (because of repetitive arm movement) for another 4 weeks.  I never though it would be so annoying to not be able to clean, but it totally is.  My Mom has come up the last couple of weeks to do the main rooms for me.  I think J is a little annoyed that I’m having her do that but he does so much other stuff around here already plus has his mowing business.  I have graduated to being able to wear any wireless bra I want (which, I kind of was already doing because sorry, but there’s not a whole lot of clothing options besides baggy t-shirts with that surgical bra) and I can now go braless at night (Woohoo) which I totally wasn’t expecting.  The 2 hardest things about this surgery have been wearing a bra 24/7 and having to sleep on my back.  Other than that, I would say that this has been an easier recovery than my laparoscopy’s.  Especially the first one.  I was expecting to have all this trouble lifting my arms from what I had read on others blogs and the different forums and I’ve been able to do that since day 1.  If I really had to stretch it hurt, but I had no problems washing my hair 24 hours after surgery happened.  I know every one is different, but if you’re thinking about having a breast reduction, I highly recommend it.  Sometimes, they still feel big to me, but then I see myself in different shirts and I can definitely tell the difference.  He did say that they would also continue to get a bit smaller and not to buy any expensive bras until the 6 weeks are up.

J and I decided that for the rest of the summer, unless another adoption situation comes up, we are just going to enjoy being childless again.  We’re not going to take any foster placements until school starts and then we’ll look into it.  I think we’re going to head out to CT in August too.  J hasn’t been out there for a couple years now and I just had a quick weekend out there last October.  We are also starting Whole 30 on Monday.  I had a local friend just finish up her 30 days so she’s going to be my support system.  J is going to follow it too, at least for the meals (I’m not getting his caffeine away from him anytime soon).  I actually have been reading the book this time and have had several a-ha moments.  I’m seriously hoping my fibro and endo pain go way down by the end of the 30 days.  Also, I’m on cd37 which never happens to me.  I’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests and they are all stark white.  I’m going to call Dr. R on Monday to see what she thinks I should do.  With my luck, I actually got pregnant last month and had surgery and ruined it.  Because that’s just my luck.  Or maybe having surgery just through things off but my cycles have been 24 days for the last few months and the one after I tried the bc pill for 2 whole weeks was only 21 days.  More than likely, my body is just totally out of whack but I just want to make sure nothing is missed.

Alright, I suppose.  J’s cousin does this huge all day bbq every summer and it’s today so I better get making the taco dip and start getting ready.  I know I’m going to be dealing with I’m sorry’s and pity looks all day which is totally going to suck.  Especially since we were really hoping we might be bringing baby with us today.

Again, thank you for all your love, support, and prayers!  I will say it over and over…I don’t know how I’d get through this without you Ladies!!!

Love you all~Dawn

16 thoughts on “From the Bottom of my Heart…

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