Rain, Rain, Go Away

I don’t know what the weather is like by the rest of you, but here in Central WI, it NEVER stops raining!!!  At least that’s how it feels, lol.  So much rain, so many bugs, and so much fast growing grass.  This means that J is still having to move like 10 lawns on top of teaching, coaching and now bow hunting and I don’t even like stepping outside because the gnats and mosquitos are so freaking horrible.  Luckily, we haven’t had any water in the basement but our neighbors have and one of my daycare parents came in this morning and said it’s just pouring in one of her egress windows.  Kind of makes me happy that we didn’t up having the time or money to get one put in this summer.  If God hadn’t promised not to kill us all off with a flood again, I would probably be wondering if J needs to quick build us an ark!

Alright, I’m gonna be real with y’all.  I’ve been struggling, big time with my health and body issues.  J and I did the Tunnels to Towers 5k on Sept. 11th.  I knew it was going to be a walk/jog for me before the day even got here, but walking to the park for the starting line, I knew it was going to be worse than that.  My back hurt and my legs were already seizing up.  We started the race and J took off like he normally does.  I walked and then jogged a couple times , we’d probably only gone 4-5 blocks when we got to the corner of the street our house is on.  I seriously thought about just walking home.  The only thing that stopped me was those 343 firefighters going up those towers when their guts were probably screaming at them to get out.  At this point, I could no longer jog and my legs and back were in so much pain.  I slowed way down and was getting passed by just about everyone.  Toddlers and old men wearing boat shoes.  😦  By the time J finished the race and came back to find me, I was sobbing.  I’m not one to get depressed, but in those moments, I was so disappointed in my body and the diseases that are attacking it.  When J and I met, I was probably in the best shape I’ve been in since HS and now I struggle with walking 3.1 miles…it’s ridiculous, frustrating, and so annoying!!!

The fibro and endo pain are just getting worse and worse but I don’t want to give into the hysterectomy yet.  I still have hopes that we will get that miracle pregnancy at some point and I’m so scared that what I think is endo pain will end up not being that and I’ll take away my ability to by some small miracle have a baby but still have the horrible pain.

Now, some of this is my fault.  I know that gluten free diets and just a better diet in general should help both the fibro and endo pain but can I manage to get myself to do that.  Nope…junk and processed food has a huge control over me.  It’s also proven that 30 minutes of cardio activity a day will help with the fibro pain, but do I make sure I get out and at least stroll for 30 minutes?!  Nope, I don’t.  Especially with how horrible the bugs are right now.  😦  So, I know part of this feeling like crap is entirely my own fault which means, I really have no right to vent about it, but venting I am.  Sorry about that.

On the E front…things are going well.  She reaches out to me frequently and FM leaves the room once in awhile to give us a few minutes alone.  E even gives me big open mouth kisses once in awhile, lol.  I visit her about 3 times a week right now.  On Monday, I met them at Dr. for her 9 mo appt.  Also there was BM, BD and the parent aid who was L’s parent aid and someone I adore!!!  However, it was pretty awkward because BM and BD had no idea who I was because the SW still hasn’t talked to BM about terminating.  When FM introduced me to the Dr., she said the J and I are listed as the concurrent goal.  When he asked what that meant, she told him in the case of termination, we would adopt E.  Whatever the BP’s were feeling, they held it in pretty well but I definitely felt awkward.  FM was upset that BM was even allowed at the appt because she’s skipped her visits for the last 3-4 weeks and so she hasn’t seen E in about a month.  She told the SW that no one was going to hold E but her and that everyone needed to leave the room for shots.  She ended up not needing any and just had to go to the lab to get blood taken so at that point, PA took BP’s home and I waited in the lobby and we grabbed lunch in the hospital restaurant.  I’m happy we decided to do that because the Dr. ended up coming down and stopped to chat with us.  He doesn’t think BM should be able to get E back so I asked if he’d testify to that  and FM asked if he’d tell human services that.  I don’t know if he will but FM did end up getting to have a face to face conversation with the SW later on in the day and she told her what the Dr. said.  This morning, she texted me and said that BM is meeting with SW tomorrow.

In good news, E is growing as should be.  She was a little over 18 lbs and 29 in long.  I’ve been picking up clothes at rummage sales and Once Upon A child and her front carrier came in yesterday from Amazon.  I ended up getting the “Lillebaby, All Season”.  I really, really hope this all turns out like we were told it should and that she is with us by Thanksgiving as planned but as always, with foster care, you just never know!

Alright, I think that’s all the important stuff.  I hope you are all well!

Lots of Love~Dawn

15 thoughts on “Rain, Rain, Go Away

  1. You’ll love the Lillebaby and I hope she does too! I feel like I can tell you this because even though we’ve never ‘met’ I consider you to be a very good friend. But you are so hard on yourself. You are one of the strongest women I have called a friend and I see so many amazing things in you. The fact that you struggled with the 5K or eating does not define you at all. I gained my weight back that I had lost. I had Nora, yes. But most of the weight I gained was actually after I had her, not pregnancy related at all. You have the ability to change your body at any given time and I believe in you. But you are beautiful Dawn and I know your husband loves you very much. Yes, you’re not where you want to be, but remember to show yourself the same grace you constantly show others. Love you!

    • Thank you, Friend. I have read this comment twice now and I’ve teared up both times. I know this is one of my faults. I’m much better at coming up with my weaknesses than I am coming up with my strengths. It’s just hard when I know there’s things I should be doing to make myself feel better and I just can’t seem to find the motivation to do it. You’d think feeling better would be enough! 🙂 I really like the Lillebaby already and all I did was size it and put one of my daycare babies in it to try it out. Never knew what I was missing with my $20 walmart carrier, lol. I love the back support on it! Thank you for always being here for me and for all your prayers! I know we haven’t “met”, but I consider you to be one of my very good friends too. In fact, I find that I’m probably closer to most of you, then I am to my in person friends.

  2. I second the comment from Sondra. You are a beautiful, strong and resilient woman fighting a battle you did not choose and choosing to move forward, find hope and keep going. Sometimes just getting through the day in one piece is enough. Hope you give yourself the grace you give everyone else. Xo

    • Thank you! You don’t know how much of an inspiration you are to me on when it comes to looking forward with hope. I try very hard to be that way as much as I can. I don’t know why that day got me down so much but I’m trying my best to bring myself out of it and be nice to me. xo

      • That means so much to me. We all have those days and that is why we have each other to remind us how lovely and brave we all are. Xo

  3. I’ve always read that hysterectomy won’t take away endo pain since endo grows on other organs etc. I could be wrong but that is something I’d definitely research before undergoing that operation if at all possible. My mil has had so many awful complications from her hysterectomy and wishes she hadn’t done it.

    I understand the feelings of disappointment in your body because I have struggled with that so often myself. It really is unfortunate that some of us have to carry around chronic lifelong pain. I hope God will heal and free you from the fibro and endo. Both so extremely aggravating and painful.

    So glad all is proceeding well with E. 🙂 can’t wait till she is yours and we can see pics.

    • That’s interesting. From the research I’ve done the last couple days, it is one of the things they seem to recommend, but so is excision where they actually cut a wide berth around the endo instead of just lasering it off. There’s more things that can go wrong but there’s also a better chance of pain relief and the endo not growing back. I assume my RE doesn’t do it though otherwise she would have mentioned it by now. There is a place down by Madison but it looks like they don’t take our insurance but maybe I’ll look into it. We just started our deductible over though so I hate to add to the medical bills. Thank you for all your good thoughts and prayers. They are so very appreciated!

  4. I echo everyone above. You are a beautiful, amazing, strong and courageous women. You have faced so much and yet you continue to move forward and carry yourself with so much grace and compassion. Sending my love my dear friend.

  5. I completely understand how you’re feeling about yourself right now as I feel very similarly. I was doing so well with my weight loss journey before getting pregnant with M and now I’m creeping up to numbers that make me cringe. I know I have a reason to gain a few pounds right now but it doesn’t make it any easier to see those numbers. Being active and eating healthy is definitely a challenge! I plan on focusing on myself come the first of the year so if you want someone to chat with or just a buddy to focus with you know where to find me!

    I hope things continue to go well with E and she comes home with you and J very soon!

  6. I completely understand the feelings you describe. I know I’d feel better about myself if I just focused on eating healthy and being active. But as you know, some of us just aren’t wired that way and it doesn’t come naturally. But I also completely agree with the others that you do need to try to focus on your strengths more. Use those feelings to motivate you to do things differently, but without beating yourself up about it. Much easier said than done, I know.
    I’m so happy for you that things are going well with E. I hope all the foster care stuff goes as smooth as possible and you have a new little girl to be thankful for this thanksgiving! xoxo

  7. Fingers crossed and prayers it works out that way. It’s so sweet how she’s starting to warm up to you.

    Don’t feel discouraged about running. You’ve been through hell. The fact that you’re even trying is a huge accomplishment.

    Also having lived in both Wisconsin and Florida, it definitely rains more in Florida. Hope you see the sun soon.

  8. Sending you hugs. It’s so hard when you’re feeling bad about yourself. But please give yourself a break, you have tons of stuff going on. You’re a beautiful person.

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