IUI #5 is NOT a Go :(

$300 worth of follistim in my fridge that is open because we had to use a whole 25 iu’s of it last cycle.  $300 worth of follistim that I don’t get to use for IUI #5 because it will go bad by then.  Cysts on both ovaries this month so they didn’t want to do the cycle.  $300 worth of follistim that even though I probably shouldn’t…I AM going to use unmonitored.  I CANNOT throw $300 out the window right now.

Has anyone else ever done anything like this?  (Please make me feel better by saying yes, lol.)

I think it can only do good, not be harmful.  If I would have insisted, they would have let me cycle but they didn’t recommend it.  Oils were immediately applied to ovaries to hopefully help them shrink instead of getting bigger and bursting.  I really don’t want to go through that pain.  Hoping my Sister has clove oil that I can get from her so I can do the oral option too and not just topical.  If anyone wants that protocol it is:  rub orange, then frankincense and the basil on your lower abdomen.  It smells really good til you put the basil on, lol.  For some reason, I just do not love the smell of the basil oil.

In all honesty, Ladies, I was a hot mess yesterday.  I was such a hot mess, that I couldn’t even sit down to write this post.  Cycles get cancelled all the time, I get that.  It had more to do with the stress of money and throwing out that medicine then having to sit out a month.  On top of that, I didn’t see my usual Dr., I saw the one that comes from Madison to do the IVF cycles.  I’d never met her before and although she was nice enough, she wasn’t Dr. R  or even Megan or Jamie who usually do my IUI’s.  She didn’t really know my story so it was just hard to take that news from her.

She also said that she doesn’t see many follicles in (or on, not sure the right word for it) my ovaries.  Just by looking at the ultrasounds she doesn’t think our chances with IVF are very good, maybe 35%.  She had me go to the lab for a blood draw so they could test my AMH and she wants us to come in for an IVF consult week after next (more about that later).  Now, we were leaning more towards adoption then IVF anyways, but Girls, I was devastated….DEVASTATED!!!!   To feel like that option was just ripped away from us in case we did find the money to do it just tore me apart.  I bawled all the way home and in J’s arms for quite a while after I got home.  And on the phone with my Mom after J left to go to some benefit thing.

J doesn’t want to go to the IVF consult…he doesn’t want to go to any Dr. this month because he says I just get stressed out and he just wants to take the month off.  What he doesn’t seem to grasp is that just because we’re taking the month off from IUI’s and dr.’s, doesn’t mean I’m not going to stress (I REALLY SUCK at giving my worries over to God).

So where does this leave us?  I don’t totally know.  I’ll finish up the follistim because I can’t stand to waste it.  Do OPK’s and TI and Pray, Pray, Pray!  Hopefully the cysts will go away peacefully and gently without pain and we will be ready to do IUI#5 next cycle.  I don’t know how many more J will let me do.  Again, he’s totally freaking out about money and credit card debt.  I can’t really blame him though, it is a little scary.  If we’re not pregnant by the end of the year, we will put our names in to hopefully start the adoption process in January.

I need to Thank you Ladies for all the comments and Love you send my way.  They mean so, so, so much to me.  Although most of my friends and family are very supportive, no one, not even J, can understand the way you Girls can.  Sending much Love, thoughts, Prayers, Baby Dust and Hugs to you all!!!!

The Importance of Timing

Ladies…I am so frustrated right now!  As we all know, timing is everything with infertility.  Well, I triggered on Monday and had my IUI on Wednesday and guess what?  Yep, I am almost positive that I just finally started ovulating about 2am this morning.  Which, if you look at a normal cycle for me before the follistim…I was guessing our IUI would have been yesterday or today.  I can tell you it would have been a hell of a lot more convenient if it had been today and apparently, my body doesn’t care if it gets a trigger shot, it’s going to ovulate when it wants to.  It is now 7:30am central time and I am feeling it in my right side quite a bit and after a night of not nearly enough sleep, I am up and have already put a call into the nurses line to see if there is someway to check and see if I’m correct.  

These things are way too much money (especially on straight injectables) to have the timing off.  Feeling ready to cry (although that could be a combination of lack of sleep and frustration with J and his newly single pal for keeping me up with the loud music coming up from the basement).

Update:  The nurse finally called back a bit ago.  She said that it is very unlikely that I did not ovulate within the 36-40 hours after the shot and that maybe I’m feeling a smaller one that ovulated on its own.  She also said that sperm lived up to 72 hours so there should still be some left but I thought that was only with unwashed sperm.  I thought I’ve read that washed sperm do not last nearly as long but maybe I’m wrong.  Anyone else know?  I guess I just need to have faith right now and not doubt His plan.

Recovery Time…

Before I get into my surgery and how it all went, I wanted to give you all an update on the young lady I wrote about in my last post.  P is doing well!  She is home surrounded by her family and loved ones.  Her physical healing has been faster then expected and she’s only having to do 1 pain killer in the morning and 1 at bed.  Otherwise they are able to keep most of the pain away with motrin throughout the day.  They are very much enjoying their time together as a family but they know they still have a long way to go, especially with the emotional trauma they have all endured.

Now for my surgery.  Dr. R performed a laparoscopy on Friday.  She had originally thought that I had stage 2 or 3 endometriosis, but when she got in there, it was stage 4.  I had endometrial cysts on both ovaries, some tissue on my left tube and all over my bladder.  She was able to get it all cleaned out and also dilated my cervix 3-4cm to help with the cervical stenosis.  She of course can’t give us exact numbers or statistics, but she believes that our chances of getting pregnant (possibly even naturally) have gone up quite a bit.  

When she talked to J while I was still in recovery, she suggested trying an IUI right away, but when she came in after I was awake and pretty coherent to show me the pics (which we got to keep, lucky me, a souvenir from surgery, lol) we decided that we’d try naturally this month because we are leaving on vacation in less than 2 weeks.  I’m staying on BCP for another week because we’re not allowed to BD for 2 weeks.  If I would’ve stopped them right away, I’d be ovulating before we could even BD.  

Recovery has been rough so far.  I don’t remember the reason why, but they basically pump air into you during the surgery, so now when I try to get a good deep breath, pain shoots through my ribs, chest, shoulders and into my upper back.  My abdomen is definitely sore, but by far the worst part is the air that is stuck inside still and causing all that other pain.  Also, I’m a tummy sleeper so having to be on my back all the time is so annoying.  I tried sleeping on my side but that just makes the pain worse.  J is staying home tomorrow to help with the daycare kids, but then he has to go into school Tuesday and Wednesday to finish up his hours for the school year.  Thursday is his Birthday and Friday is my last day of work and then I have a month off (so excited).

I did finally get a shower this morning and that felt great.  I tried to shave my legs though and that really didn’t work out, lol.  One of my daycare babies turns 1 today so we are going to venture out for a little bit to go to his party.  Other than that, it’s a lot of laying in bed, watching hgtv and looking at fb.  J has been the best, most supportive caretaker I could’ve have ever asked for.  I didn’t realize how difficult this surgery would actually be on him.  It sounds like he did a lot of pacing while he was waiting for the surgery to be over and for me to wake up.  

Right now, despite the pain (which I feel horrible even complaining about after knowing what that little girl has been through) I am feeling extremely Blessed.  All of the prayers that were said, the text messages checking in on me, Family and Friends stepping in to help out so I didn’t have to close daycare, I am very, very Blessed and Thank God for such awesome people in my life!  I hope you all are doing well!  You are all strong, remarkable women who deserve to get miracle babies!  Prayers going out to you all.

Hugs,

Dawn

On Hold

Good news….I get to put the IVF vs. Adoption decision on hold, at least for awhile.  I went to the clinic on Tuesday for a general ultrasound.  I also met the Dr. for the first time (I’ve always had a N.P or P.A. til now).  I really like her, although, I really like everyone I’ve worked with at the new clinic.  After looking at the pics from my ultrasound, she believes I have stage 2 or 3 endometriosis.  It amazes me that they are the first to suggest this when I’ve been having some of the symptoms since I was 15 or 16 years old!  I’m 37 now, that’s a lot of years!

Anyways, surgery is scheduled for June 6th.  Dr. Ryan believes that our chances of getting pregnant will go up about 30% after the surgery, she did not say whether this is naturally or through IUI but she did say that she doesn’t think we even need to contemplate IVF for at least 6 months.  I am on bcp until the surgery and then we can try on our own the cycle immediately following surgery.  We will also be on vacation then so maybe that will be helpful.  She said they will also dilate my cervix more than it needs to be so that should help with the cervical stenosis problem the month we try on our own and that just leaves the cervical fluid problem.  Hopefully, preseed will help with that.  She also said that if/when we do the next IUI, we will just use follistim.  She believes that the pills are really messing with my lining because they block estrogen and follistim will not do that.

I know most people do not look forward to surgery, but I am.  I wish schedules would allow me to get in sooner.  I am so happy to have some kind of answer on why the IUI’s haven’t been working.  I know this doesn’t guarantee that we will get pregnant naturally or with an IUI, but it gives me more hope that an IUI will work eventually.  Praying that I never have to make that IVF/Adoption decision.  We would still love to adopt one day, it’s something we planned on doing before we knew were infertile, but then we could do it on our own timeline.

Beat up

My acupuncturist told me Sat. morning that it looks like someone’s been beating me up the past couple of days.  That someone is “life”.  About 2:30 Friday afternoon, I started having pain on my left side, went to the bathroom and I was spotting.  By a little after 4 (and 1 daycare kid left to be picked up) the pain was strong and constant.  I kept it together until little one was picked up and then immediately called my Mom bawling.  J was at the bank and cleaning my car out because the guy that bought it was coming to pick it up at 5:30.

I have to say my Mom is the most wonderful, supportive and empathetic Mom I could have ever asked for.  I hate, hate, hate living even 30 minutes away from her.  I don’t know how I managed spending 12 years 1100 miles away from her.   My Sister, Mom and I were supposed to be teaching a Young Living class Fri. night at my Mom’s house and instead of hanging out with 2 of my favorite people I was doubled over in pain with what I can only assume from past experience, was an ovarian cyst bursting.  If J hadn’t been due home soon, she would have jumped in her truck and come to my house to take care of me.  Who cares that people were due at her house in a couple hours!  I absolutely Love that Woman!!! 🙂

Instead, J got home and we decided not to go into urgent care as I am still paying on my ER bill from the last time I had a cyst burst almost 2 years ago before I had insurance.  And really, all they ever tell me is that I had an ovarian cyst and it burst.  No sense giving them money for that.  Instead, hubby brought my oils in, layered pan away and deep relief, and put a heating pad on top of that.  It helped, especially if I stayed laying down.  By this morning, my stomach was still a bit tender all over, but the intense pain was gone.

Now, here we are, 2 days later, Mother’s Day, and I feel pretty much normal again.  Sad and hurt that another IUI went bust, but happy to not be in pain.  As I sit here, waiting for J’s family to show up for a bbq that we’ll apparently be having in pouring rain now, I know that I am very Blessed in certain areas of my life.  I just wish that God would answer this prayer.  Our next step is waiting to hear from the clinic on Monday.  The nurse wanted to get me in for an ultrasound late this coming week but I guess the Dr. is out of town so she needs to check with her and see if she wants to squeeze me in on Tuesday or wait for the 19th.  I’m hoping she wants to squeeze me in.  I’d like to start figuring out if I have endometriosis or not and what our next steps will be.  J is all for IVF, I’m not so sure.  If any of you out there reading this have been through it, would you mind sharing your story with me?

Happy Mother’s Day to each and every one of you!  We may not physically have our babies yet, but they are already in our hearts!

Google=My Enemy

I’m not entirely sure why, but I can’t seem to stay off Google this time around.  I had no problem last cycle.  I think it’s because we’re going to have to make a decision if this one doesn’t work.  Last month, I knew we’d just head right into another IUI cycle.  Now, we have big decisions ahead of us.  More IUI’s, IVF, or adoption?

I was firmly set on domestic infant adoption.  The agency we met with only adds a certain number of families each year depending on their numbers from the year before.  On one hand, I really like this because I like that they keep things to a certain number so you have more of a chance of being picked and hopefully not have to wait years and years.  On the other hand, they only get to add 7 this year.  They added 4 in January and they will add 3 more in June.  If there’s more than 3 families ready to proceed, they put the names in a lottery and pick.

I thought DH and I were on the same page but it turns out, he’s not ready to give up on IVF.  I, on the other hand, am scared to death.  I barely managed to get 2 mature follicles this last time with 4 days of follistim.  What if we spend all that money on meds and I hardly produce any eggs?  How much will it hurt?  The follistim didn’t hurt at all, but I don’t know what meds we’ll be on or where they will need to be injected.  And, have any studies been done on how all those hormones effect women years down the road?  Are my chances of cancer going to be increased because of all the drugs I’m injecting myself with?  I should really try and research and see if there’s any answers to that one.  I’m not great at researching and finding what I want, but I should at least try I suppose.

Now that we finally have moved onto injectables, does it make sense to try a couple more IUI’s?  There’s a cyst like sac on my right ovary that’s been there the past couple months so if this cycle doesn’t end with a bfp, they want to do an ultrasound to see what’s going on.  Possibly do laproscopy to see if I do indeed have endometriosis since I’ve always had painful periods.  If I have it, and they get it taken care of, then would it make sense to try a couple more IUI’s?

So many questions and fears right now.  DH says the decision is ultimately up to me, but I don’t want to make that decision by myself.  I don’t want him to later resent me if I choose adoption and we can’t afford to do IVF at a later date.  On top of that, I’m 37…they make 37 sound ancient in the IF world.  I am lucky that I have the most supportive DH and Family that anyone could ask for and I have several friends that I’ve been able to confide in.  Most of them have kids so they don’t know what it’s like, but they listen and are supportive.  Ultimately, I just need to find a way to stay relaxed these next 2 weeks.  Easier said then done.  Especially when it won’t stop raining here in WI.

3rd time’s the Charm….Right?

I hope and pray that it will be true in this case.  I had my mid cycle ultrasound this past Thursday and unfortunately, didn’t get a lot of answers while there so needless to say, I came home in tears.  I’d love to blame it on the hormones but in reality, I’m one of those people that just cries…a lot.  No matter what I’m feeling, it tends to come out in tears and I cannot stop them.  Anyways, back to the US…only one mature follie again…I had one more at 15 (and I’m really hoping it matured by the time of the IUI) both on my left side.  Right side did nothing again but the same cyst like sac from last month was still there.  After adding injectables this month, I was pretty disappointed with not having more.  On top of that, my lining was only 5.6 and they want it to be at 7.   The PA also mentioned something about a small solid mass and she wasn’t sure if we’d be able to go through with this cycle.  She needed to talk to the Dr. and would call me with the plan.  Thank God she called within a half hour of being home.  We were good to go, they added estrogen pills which I had to take Thursday morning and night to help with the lining and then finished off the follistim that was left (turned out to be 125iu) to hopefully mature that 2nd follie.  Instructed to trigger at 6am Friday morning, earlier if we could, and then IUI Saturday morning.  Since our black lab, Rocky, decided to wake us a 3am to go out, we just went ahead and did the trigger then.  Unfortunately, I instructed my DH to put it in a little to far to the right on my thigh and man, did it hurt!!  I’ve never felt the shot before so we definitely did the wrong spot for a pain free shot, lol.  My leg always hurts the day after the shot but by the end of the afternoon on Friday, getting up and down and walking were pretty painful (not good when my job is taking care of babies).  Saturday morning we did the IUI…I wish they would’ve done another US so I could see if that 2nd one matured and to see where my lining was at, but they didn’t.  DH had another Rockstar sample….83 million post wash and 76% motility.  He is certainly doing his part so I really hope that my body will finally do its part.

On top of adding the injectables this cycle, I also decided to add pineapple core.  If you haven’t heard of this, you take a fresh pineapple, core it, cut the core into 5 pieces and eat one each day starting the day of your IUI.  It’s supposed to help with implantation.  I don’t know if it will work, but it certainly can’t hurt.  And, the taste isn’t terrible.  The worst part for me is that it gets stuck in my teeth.  I also cut out coffee this cycle but did not give up all caffeine the first half…I tried but had a heck of a time.  I do plan on not having any this second half though.  

The rest of the day was spent cleaning and watching DH tear our back yard up.  The people that previously lived here put a rock garden right in the middle of the yard.  We finally rented a bobcat yesterday and removed it but in the process, it tore our yard all up.  And it’s supposed to rain for the next week at least so that will be a lovely muddy mess by the time the rain stops.  Good thing my daycare kiddos are old enough to play out in the yard yet!  

I just want to end this post with a prayer.

Heavenly Father,

First off, I would just like to Thank you for all the Blessings you’ve given me.  A wonderful Husband, supportive family and friends, adorable pets, food and a house to live in and jobs that we enjoy.  You’ve given us so much but there’s just one more thing that we ask for and that is for the Bless of a Baby.  We have so much love to give and so much family history, joy, and Love for You that we want to pass on to our child.  I know that you have a plan, and that it is only for good.  I don’t necessarily understand it or the timing, but I have faith that one day we will get our take home baby.  I just pray that this is it.  I pray that we will find comfort, peace and strength during these next 2 weeks as we wait to find out.

In Jesus’ name, Amen.

It’s nothing like the movies…

I’ve always had a bad feeling that I was going to have a hard time getting pregnant.  However, never did I expect to be getting shots to increase my chances of an IUI working.  My RE did not want me to go to clomid.  Something about it messing with lining and apparently mine isn’t great enough that it can take the chance of being messed with (surprise, surprise).  So cd 3-7 we did letrozole at 7.5mg and cd 7-9 is 100iu’s of follistim.  We did the first injection yesterday afternoon.  It wasn’t too bad.  We read the instructions, talked to the nurse, and watched a youtube video before we actually got around to doing it.  DH gave me the shot.  I could probably do it myself but he seemed to want to do it.  I think because it makes him feel more a part of things.  It didn’t hurt going in, but a couple minutes after, it started to hurt.  Luckily, it didn’t last too long.  This week is National Infertility A.  Even though I thought I’d have a hard time getting pregnant, I never realized what it would actually entail.  I didn’t realize the science behind it.  I didn’t realize how difficult it is and now that I do know, it amazes me that all these people “accidentally” get pregnant.  It amazes me that my own Sister got pregnant with her 5th child while having an IUD in.  I thought infertility would be more like the movies where the single woman decided she wants to get pregnant, does an IUI and boom, she’s pregnant.  Was I ever wrong!!  Of course, they’re not infertile, they just haven’t found the right mate.   The dr. appts, the tests, the meds, the injections, the pain both physical and emotional, the financial side of it and we haven’t even moved onto IVF or Adoption yet.  Children are already expensive, but us infertiles have to spend a fortune just to get that child to begin with.   And then there is the guilt…oh boy is there guilt.  What if I would have had a better diet?  Exercised more?  What if I had stayed a virgin until I met my husband?   What if?  What if?  What if?  Most days I don’t let myself get bogged down with the What if?’s.   But some days, I can’t help myself.   And I still haven’t gotten control of my diet…I love sugar and carbs, I do not love veggies.  I love caffeine.  I finally managed to get away from my coffee every morning this last week, but I still have had 1 soda almost every day.  I have a love/hate relationship with exercise.  I will say one thing about infertility…it teaches you how strong you are, how resilient you can be.   I’ thankful that has only brought my husband and I closer and has not torn us apart.  It’s taught me to have more faith in God then I have ever had before.  And it’s taught me patience…something I don’t have a ton of.  I pray that by this time next year…we are all either holding our miracles or are carrying them in utero.  Thank you to all of you out there that understand exactly what I go through.  I don’t wish this on anyone, but it’s nice to know that there are others who understand.

Spring Ahead….

To the next IUI.  Cd 27 and I started spotting this afternoon.  I am sure I will be full flow by morning.  I’m disappointed, of course, but not heart broken this time.  When they only gave me a 10% chance of it working, I made sure not to have high hopes.  I wasn’t being pessimistic, but I was doing my best to stay even keeled for the last 2 weeks.  I think it helps that we’ve made the decision if this next IUI doesn’t work, we’ll move on to adoption.  I am more sad for my DH than I am for myself.  I watch him with my daycare babies and know that he will just make the most wonderful Daddy!  I hope and pray that this next one will work, but I know that even if we never have a biological child, someday, God will make us parents.  So, it looks like I will be putting a call into the clinic tomorrow.  I’m hoping they’ll let us give Clomid a try this time.  I’ve only gotten 1 mature follicle each time with the letrozole.  In the meantime, we’ll keep enjoying our life and the Blessings that God has given us.  I will keep working to get the toxins out of our house, cleaning up our eating and using our Young Living oils.  Despite this disappointment, life really is pretty darn good.  I have an Amazing husband, a loving and supportive family and some great friends.  I will not let this shake my Faith.  I have in the past and this time, I’m keeping my Faith in God solid!!!Image

 

Products I’m going to use to make my own personal care products with my Young Living Essential Oils!!!

Standing on my head…

Is it just me, or does anyone else feel like you should stand on your head for awhile after an IUI?  Laying flat for 15 minutes afterwards just doesn’t feel adequate enough to me, lol.  As you may have guessed, we went for IUI #2 on Saturday.  It’s been 10 months since our 1st IUI.  They upped my dosage on Letrozole by 5 mg this time and I took it cd3-7.  We had our mid cycle ultrasound this past Friday.  DH was unable to make it because he had to stay home and take care of the daycare kiddos.  My Mom was unfortunately bit by her cat the previous Sunday and has a useless left hand right now.  Apparently, cat bites can be as dangerous as the bite of a venomous snake bit according to the vet.  She’s been having to go to the hospital every 8 hours for IV antibiotics since last Wednesday.  So, moral of the story is, if you ever get more than a nip from a cat, go straight to the dr or hospital immediately.  Anyways, back to the ultrasound.  I really like our new clinic…so far it’s been all women that I’ve worked with which I kind of like.  They got me right in and were checking follicles and then they also wanted to check ovarian reserve and cervical length.  I had one 20mm follicle on my left ovary and then a 13mm on my right.  There was also other things on my right ovarian, they thought maybe a sac left over from last month or a cyst.  Nothing they were too worried about though.  They said the RE would look at the images for the other stuff and if this one doesn’t work she would use it to determine next steps.  I gave myself the trigger shot before I left the dr. office (DH did it last time) and we went in Sat. morning just before 11am to do the IUI since they’re not open on Sundays.  The IUI was still not pleasant but it was not nearly as bad as last time.  They have to use a tenaculam (or as I call it, the pliers) to pull on my cervix to get the catheter in.  The other clinic the RE took at least 30 minutes to do the procedure and I was in tears at least half the time.  This clinic I had a PA and she did it in less than 10 min with no tears.  DH’s post wash count was 70 million…way, way, up from last time.  I’m positive the old RE said it was only 5 million but the NP we talked at this clinic said 16 million was in our records….either way, it was way better than last time.  He has been using Young Living Blue Spruce to help bring his testosterone number up so I’m hoping that was part of it.  So on paper, our numbers are pretty good, but of course, as we all know, on paper means nothing when it comes to infertility.  So I’m officially in the 2WW and trying not to go crazy.  Using my progessence plus and gentle baby essential oils and just trying to stay calm and relaxed.  This is a crazy busy week so hopefully it’ll fly by and before I know it, the wait will be over.