Guilt and Gratitude

Mom guilt…it’s very real even when your child is not on this earth with you.  Sunday, August 23rd was our due date and the day came and went without me even remembering what day it was.  In fact, I had a fantastic day that day and when I realized it yesterday, I cried.  I can’t believe that I didn’t remember what day it was.  I should have done something in remembrance of our baby.

Despite feeling guilt right now, I’m also feeling immense gratitude.  A friend of mine messaged me this morning asking me to call him when I had 30 seconds.  This man is one of the sweetest, kindest men I know and is constantly doing good in our hometown community.  Each Fall, he does a Packer board to raise money for Alzheimer’s because his father had it.  Today, he asked if he could do a Packer board for us instead this year.  Tears of gratitude sprang forth.  He put this status up a little bit ago and the response has been wonderful:

Around this time every year, I run a Packer board to raise money for the Alzheimer’s Association, and because of my amazing friends over the last few years we have raised over $8000 for the cause. Don’t know why, but dad and the topic of Alzheimer’s has been on my mind a lot lately. I was thinking about what it is I was going to do this year when I read a post from a friend of mine, Dawn . Dawn and her husband J, have tried everything in their power, including tremendously expensive procedures, to have a family of their own, and it just hasn’t worked for them. Honestly, I know J only from what I read and see on Facebook, but I have known Dawn for years, and I know that, if any 2 people are prepared and deserving to shower the love of a family on a child, it is them.
I am the youngest of 10 kids and I love my parents eternally, and wouldn’t trade being raised by them for anything in this world…all children deserve the opportunity for that kind of love. I know family was important to my dad, and he would support this 100%…and would do whatever he could to help….that is why I am foregoing the Alzheimer’s board this year and directing it toward this cause.
I think J & Dawn deserve the opportunity to show their unending love to a child…and at this point they are faced with a bill of $8500 to continue in the adoption process. I am hoping you will support this years fundraiser, which will benefit not only J & Dawn, but that unknown child that is so deserving of their love.
I am in the process of acquiring prizes for a Packer board that will raise $2500 for this family and will let you know when the $25 squares go on sale. If you know anyone that would like to donate a prize or be part of this, please let me know…MUCH LOVE TO YOU ALL!!

God truly does answer prayers in the most spectacular ways!

Lots of Love~Dawn

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I Am A Mom

Last night, we went to dinner with my In-Laws to celebrate Mother’s Day.  Now, we all know I don’t always get along with them and I didn’t expect to be recognized as a Mom last night.  However, when the bill came and J paid for it, my SIL and BIL were offering him money and I just said, totally out of habit, “No, this is your day, we’re treating.”  And my SIL actually looked at me and her eyes welled up with tears and I knew at that moment, she was actually recognizing me, maybe not necessarily as a Mom, but she was recognizing our loss.  And of course, I just said, “Don’t, I’m fine”, because I knew I would start bawling if she said anything.

It was already an emotional night because the restaurant we went to was one of my Dad’s favorites and when we went to sit down, some friends my Dad was really close with were there eating.

In other news, sometimes, being self-employed totally sucks!  We get penalized over and over for creating our own job.  I don’t know if I told you yet, but neither of our cars will hold us and a car seat.  The convertible is way too hard to get a seat in and out of and I’m not even sure we could fit a seat in there safely with the way the seats are bucketed.  The truck, we can turn the airbag off to put the seat in front, but then there’s no place for the other adult.  So, I’ve been pouring over craigslist like it’s my job to find something else.  We do have the convertible listed on there, but no bites yet and at the moment, it doesn’t even work (we think it’s the head gasket) so we can’t sell it at the moment anyways.  What I truly want to do is lease a new vehicle, because neither of us have to drive to work and I’m the kind of person that likes change…I hate having the same car for a long time so lease makes sense for me.  Unfortunately, we just don’t have the extra $2500 sitting around that we would have to have up front to do a lease, especially not knowing what’s happening with daycare kids.  Well, I found a Mazda 5 on craigslist for $5950 (we got them down to $5200).  We went to look at it and although it totally needs to be detailed, they couldn’t get the remote start to work, and there were a few dings on the outside, I really liked it.  The 2 things I really want in a car is bluetooth so I can have my phone hands free and a sunroof.  This had both along with a DVD player and the remote start that’s not working at the moment.  It has plenty of room inside because it’s like a miniature mini van.  It has 2 seats in the way back that fold down for more storage and 2 captain chairs in the middle which can actually fold down also.  Plenty of room for J, the pups and I, plus any kiddos we adopt.  Okay, back to the reason being self-employed sucks.  The credit union says our debt to income ratio is too high and won’t give us the loan.  I think it completely sucks that they’ll look at J’s gross income, but they won’t look at mine.  For me, they only look at what I made after expenses!  Hello….I take every single deduction I possibly can because otherwise, we totally would be screwed on taxes!  This means things that come out of both our checks (like utilities, toilet paper, food, etc.) get deducted (at least partially) for daycare.  I already get charged an enormous self employment tax and now I get screwed because of deductions too.  So pissed!!!!

We do have one option left, but someone else was going to look at the car last night, so now I don’t even know if it’ll still be available if we get this figured out.  J’s ex-wife is the loan officer at the bank that we have our other car loan through.  We didn’t go there first because the interest rate was better at the credit union.  She was out of the office on Friday so we couldn’t find out if she’ll be able to help us out.  Hopefully she can!

Come to think of it, I don’t even know if you guys know that J has an ex-wife!  He does and let me just say, she’s amazing!!!  Like, I truly think we could have been great friends if we didn’t share a husband, lol.  We are fb friends, but we don’t hang out or anything, I think that’d weird J out a bit too much.  But seriously, the night before we had to go get our marriage license, J realized he didn’t have his divorce decree or whatever it’s called so he called her at 9:30 at night and she was like no problem, just come pick it up at the bank tomorrow….if she would’ve been like the girlfriend he had before me…we would’ve been so screwed.  She also found a bunch of old pics of J’s family and when he stopped down at the bank to get them, she gave him a card with $50 in it to go towards our adoption…see, she’s amazing, right?!  And through all of that, she and her new husband have gone through multiple miscarriages.  He has children from his first marriage, but they’ve given up on children together because she said she just couldn’t deal with it anymore.  So yep, I’m extremely Blessed that my Husband’s ex is completely wonderful!

I want to end with just wishing you all a Happy Mother’s Day tomorrow.  I know it will be difficult for most of us.  Whether you have Angel babies or have only had the chance to have the heart of a Mom for now.  You all deserve to be celebrated!  Not everyone can be the warriors that you are.  Not everyone would do everything in their power to bring their baby (however, it may come to you) into this world.

Lots of Love, my Friends ~ Dawn