IUI #5 is NOT a Go :(

$300 worth of follistim in my fridge that is open because we had to use a whole 25 iu’s of it last cycle.  $300 worth of follistim that I don’t get to use for IUI #5 because it will go bad by then.  Cysts on both ovaries this month so they didn’t want to do the cycle.  $300 worth of follistim that even though I probably shouldn’t…I AM going to use unmonitored.  I CANNOT throw $300 out the window right now.

Has anyone else ever done anything like this?  (Please make me feel better by saying yes, lol.)

I think it can only do good, not be harmful.  If I would have insisted, they would have let me cycle but they didn’t recommend it.  Oils were immediately applied to ovaries to hopefully help them shrink instead of getting bigger and bursting.  I really don’t want to go through that pain.  Hoping my Sister has clove oil that I can get from her so I can do the oral option too and not just topical.  If anyone wants that protocol it is:  rub orange, then frankincense and the basil on your lower abdomen.  It smells really good til you put the basil on, lol.  For some reason, I just do not love the smell of the basil oil.

In all honesty, Ladies, I was a hot mess yesterday.  I was such a hot mess, that I couldn’t even sit down to write this post.  Cycles get cancelled all the time, I get that.  It had more to do with the stress of money and throwing out that medicine then having to sit out a month.  On top of that, I didn’t see my usual Dr., I saw the one that comes from Madison to do the IVF cycles.  I’d never met her before and although she was nice enough, she wasn’t Dr. R  or even Megan or Jamie who usually do my IUI’s.  She didn’t really know my story so it was just hard to take that news from her.

She also said that she doesn’t see many follicles in (or on, not sure the right word for it) my ovaries.  Just by looking at the ultrasounds she doesn’t think our chances with IVF are very good, maybe 35%.  She had me go to the lab for a blood draw so they could test my AMH and she wants us to come in for an IVF consult week after next (more about that later).  Now, we were leaning more towards adoption then IVF anyways, but Girls, I was devastated….DEVASTATED!!!!   To feel like that option was just ripped away from us in case we did find the money to do it just tore me apart.  I bawled all the way home and in J’s arms for quite a while after I got home.  And on the phone with my Mom after J left to go to some benefit thing.

J doesn’t want to go to the IVF consult…he doesn’t want to go to any Dr. this month because he says I just get stressed out and he just wants to take the month off.  What he doesn’t seem to grasp is that just because we’re taking the month off from IUI’s and dr.’s, doesn’t mean I’m not going to stress (I REALLY SUCK at giving my worries over to God).

So where does this leave us?  I don’t totally know.  I’ll finish up the follistim because I can’t stand to waste it.  Do OPK’s and TI and Pray, Pray, Pray!  Hopefully the cysts will go away peacefully and gently without pain and we will be ready to do IUI#5 next cycle.  I don’t know how many more J will let me do.  Again, he’s totally freaking out about money and credit card debt.  I can’t really blame him though, it is a little scary.  If we’re not pregnant by the end of the year, we will put our names in to hopefully start the adoption process in January.

I need to Thank you Ladies for all the comments and Love you send my way.  They mean so, so, so much to me.  Although most of my friends and family are very supportive, no one, not even J, can understand the way you Girls can.  Sending much Love, thoughts, Prayers, Baby Dust and Hugs to you all!!!!

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Beat up

My acupuncturist told me Sat. morning that it looks like someone’s been beating me up the past couple of days.  That someone is “life”.  About 2:30 Friday afternoon, I started having pain on my left side, went to the bathroom and I was spotting.  By a little after 4 (and 1 daycare kid left to be picked up) the pain was strong and constant.  I kept it together until little one was picked up and then immediately called my Mom bawling.  J was at the bank and cleaning my car out because the guy that bought it was coming to pick it up at 5:30.

I have to say my Mom is the most wonderful, supportive and empathetic Mom I could have ever asked for.  I hate, hate, hate living even 30 minutes away from her.  I don’t know how I managed spending 12 years 1100 miles away from her.   My Sister, Mom and I were supposed to be teaching a Young Living class Fri. night at my Mom’s house and instead of hanging out with 2 of my favorite people I was doubled over in pain with what I can only assume from past experience, was an ovarian cyst bursting.  If J hadn’t been due home soon, she would have jumped in her truck and come to my house to take care of me.  Who cares that people were due at her house in a couple hours!  I absolutely Love that Woman!!! 🙂

Instead, J got home and we decided not to go into urgent care as I am still paying on my ER bill from the last time I had a cyst burst almost 2 years ago before I had insurance.  And really, all they ever tell me is that I had an ovarian cyst and it burst.  No sense giving them money for that.  Instead, hubby brought my oils in, layered pan away and deep relief, and put a heating pad on top of that.  It helped, especially if I stayed laying down.  By this morning, my stomach was still a bit tender all over, but the intense pain was gone.

Now, here we are, 2 days later, Mother’s Day, and I feel pretty much normal again.  Sad and hurt that another IUI went bust, but happy to not be in pain.  As I sit here, waiting for J’s family to show up for a bbq that we’ll apparently be having in pouring rain now, I know that I am very Blessed in certain areas of my life.  I just wish that God would answer this prayer.  Our next step is waiting to hear from the clinic on Monday.  The nurse wanted to get me in for an ultrasound late this coming week but I guess the Dr. is out of town so she needs to check with her and see if she wants to squeeze me in on Tuesday or wait for the 19th.  I’m hoping she wants to squeeze me in.  I’d like to start figuring out if I have endometriosis or not and what our next steps will be.  J is all for IVF, I’m not so sure.  If any of you out there reading this have been through it, would you mind sharing your story with me?

Happy Mother’s Day to each and every one of you!  We may not physically have our babies yet, but they are already in our hearts!