Google=My Enemy

I’m not entirely sure why, but I can’t seem to stay off Google this time around.  I had no problem last cycle.  I think it’s because we’re going to have to make a decision if this one doesn’t work.  Last month, I knew we’d just head right into another IUI cycle.  Now, we have big decisions ahead of us.  More IUI’s, IVF, or adoption?

I was firmly set on domestic infant adoption.  The agency we met with only adds a certain number of families each year depending on their numbers from the year before.  On one hand, I really like this because I like that they keep things to a certain number so you have more of a chance of being picked and hopefully not have to wait years and years.  On the other hand, they only get to add 7 this year.  They added 4 in January and they will add 3 more in June.  If there’s more than 3 families ready to proceed, they put the names in a lottery and pick.

I thought DH and I were on the same page but it turns out, he’s not ready to give up on IVF.  I, on the other hand, am scared to death.  I barely managed to get 2 mature follicles this last time with 4 days of follistim.  What if we spend all that money on meds and I hardly produce any eggs?  How much will it hurt?  The follistim didn’t hurt at all, but I don’t know what meds we’ll be on or where they will need to be injected.  And, have any studies been done on how all those hormones effect women years down the road?  Are my chances of cancer going to be increased because of all the drugs I’m injecting myself with?  I should really try and research and see if there’s any answers to that one.  I’m not great at researching and finding what I want, but I should at least try I suppose.

Now that we finally have moved onto injectables, does it make sense to try a couple more IUI’s?  There’s a cyst like sac on my right ovary that’s been there the past couple months so if this cycle doesn’t end with a bfp, they want to do an ultrasound to see what’s going on.  Possibly do laproscopy to see if I do indeed have endometriosis since I’ve always had painful periods.  If I have it, and they get it taken care of, then would it make sense to try a couple more IUI’s?

So many questions and fears right now.  DH says the decision is ultimately up to me, but I don’t want to make that decision by myself.  I don’t want him to later resent me if I choose adoption and we can’t afford to do IVF at a later date.  On top of that, I’m 37…they make 37 sound ancient in the IF world.  I am lucky that I have the most supportive DH and Family that anyone could ask for and I have several friends that I’ve been able to confide in.  Most of them have kids so they don’t know what it’s like, but they listen and are supportive.  Ultimately, I just need to find a way to stay relaxed these next 2 weeks.  Easier said then done.  Especially when it won’t stop raining here in WI.

3rd time’s the Charm….Right?

I hope and pray that it will be true in this case.  I had my mid cycle ultrasound this past Thursday and unfortunately, didn’t get a lot of answers while there so needless to say, I came home in tears.  I’d love to blame it on the hormones but in reality, I’m one of those people that just cries…a lot.  No matter what I’m feeling, it tends to come out in tears and I cannot stop them.  Anyways, back to the US…only one mature follie again…I had one more at 15 (and I’m really hoping it matured by the time of the IUI) both on my left side.  Right side did nothing again but the same cyst like sac from last month was still there.  After adding injectables this month, I was pretty disappointed with not having more.  On top of that, my lining was only 5.6 and they want it to be at 7.   The PA also mentioned something about a small solid mass and she wasn’t sure if we’d be able to go through with this cycle.  She needed to talk to the Dr. and would call me with the plan.  Thank God she called within a half hour of being home.  We were good to go, they added estrogen pills which I had to take Thursday morning and night to help with the lining and then finished off the follistim that was left (turned out to be 125iu) to hopefully mature that 2nd follie.  Instructed to trigger at 6am Friday morning, earlier if we could, and then IUI Saturday morning.  Since our black lab, Rocky, decided to wake us a 3am to go out, we just went ahead and did the trigger then.  Unfortunately, I instructed my DH to put it in a little to far to the right on my thigh and man, did it hurt!!  I’ve never felt the shot before so we definitely did the wrong spot for a pain free shot, lol.  My leg always hurts the day after the shot but by the end of the afternoon on Friday, getting up and down and walking were pretty painful (not good when my job is taking care of babies).  Saturday morning we did the IUI…I wish they would’ve done another US so I could see if that 2nd one matured and to see where my lining was at, but they didn’t.  DH had another Rockstar sample….83 million post wash and 76% motility.  He is certainly doing his part so I really hope that my body will finally do its part.

On top of adding the injectables this cycle, I also decided to add pineapple core.  If you haven’t heard of this, you take a fresh pineapple, core it, cut the core into 5 pieces and eat one each day starting the day of your IUI.  It’s supposed to help with implantation.  I don’t know if it will work, but it certainly can’t hurt.  And, the taste isn’t terrible.  The worst part for me is that it gets stuck in my teeth.  I also cut out coffee this cycle but did not give up all caffeine the first half…I tried but had a heck of a time.  I do plan on not having any this second half though.  

The rest of the day was spent cleaning and watching DH tear our back yard up.  The people that previously lived here put a rock garden right in the middle of the yard.  We finally rented a bobcat yesterday and removed it but in the process, it tore our yard all up.  And it’s supposed to rain for the next week at least so that will be a lovely muddy mess by the time the rain stops.  Good thing my daycare kiddos are old enough to play out in the yard yet!  

I just want to end this post with a prayer.

Heavenly Father,

First off, I would just like to Thank you for all the Blessings you’ve given me.  A wonderful Husband, supportive family and friends, adorable pets, food and a house to live in and jobs that we enjoy.  You’ve given us so much but there’s just one more thing that we ask for and that is for the Bless of a Baby.  We have so much love to give and so much family history, joy, and Love for You that we want to pass on to our child.  I know that you have a plan, and that it is only for good.  I don’t necessarily understand it or the timing, but I have faith that one day we will get our take home baby.  I just pray that this is it.  I pray that we will find comfort, peace and strength during these next 2 weeks as we wait to find out.

In Jesus’ name, Amen.

It’s nothing like the movies…

I’ve always had a bad feeling that I was going to have a hard time getting pregnant.  However, never did I expect to be getting shots to increase my chances of an IUI working.  My RE did not want me to go to clomid.  Something about it messing with lining and apparently mine isn’t great enough that it can take the chance of being messed with (surprise, surprise).  So cd 3-7 we did letrozole at 7.5mg and cd 7-9 is 100iu’s of follistim.  We did the first injection yesterday afternoon.  It wasn’t too bad.  We read the instructions, talked to the nurse, and watched a youtube video before we actually got around to doing it.  DH gave me the shot.  I could probably do it myself but he seemed to want to do it.  I think because it makes him feel more a part of things.  It didn’t hurt going in, but a couple minutes after, it started to hurt.  Luckily, it didn’t last too long.  This week is National Infertility A.  Even though I thought I’d have a hard time getting pregnant, I never realized what it would actually entail.  I didn’t realize the science behind it.  I didn’t realize how difficult it is and now that I do know, it amazes me that all these people “accidentally” get pregnant.  It amazes me that my own Sister got pregnant with her 5th child while having an IUD in.  I thought infertility would be more like the movies where the single woman decided she wants to get pregnant, does an IUI and boom, she’s pregnant.  Was I ever wrong!!  Of course, they’re not infertile, they just haven’t found the right mate.   The dr. appts, the tests, the meds, the injections, the pain both physical and emotional, the financial side of it and we haven’t even moved onto IVF or Adoption yet.  Children are already expensive, but us infertiles have to spend a fortune just to get that child to begin with.   And then there is the guilt…oh boy is there guilt.  What if I would have had a better diet?  Exercised more?  What if I had stayed a virgin until I met my husband?   What if?  What if?  What if?  Most days I don’t let myself get bogged down with the What if?’s.   But some days, I can’t help myself.   And I still haven’t gotten control of my diet…I love sugar and carbs, I do not love veggies.  I love caffeine.  I finally managed to get away from my coffee every morning this last week, but I still have had 1 soda almost every day.  I have a love/hate relationship with exercise.  I will say one thing about infertility…it teaches you how strong you are, how resilient you can be.   I’ thankful that has only brought my husband and I closer and has not torn us apart.  It’s taught me to have more faith in God then I have ever had before.  And it’s taught me patience…something I don’t have a ton of.  I pray that by this time next year…we are all either holding our miracles or are carrying them in utero.  Thank you to all of you out there that understand exactly what I go through.  I don’t wish this on anyone, but it’s nice to know that there are others who understand.

Spring Ahead….

To the next IUI.  Cd 27 and I started spotting this afternoon.  I am sure I will be full flow by morning.  I’m disappointed, of course, but not heart broken this time.  When they only gave me a 10% chance of it working, I made sure not to have high hopes.  I wasn’t being pessimistic, but I was doing my best to stay even keeled for the last 2 weeks.  I think it helps that we’ve made the decision if this next IUI doesn’t work, we’ll move on to adoption.  I am more sad for my DH than I am for myself.  I watch him with my daycare babies and know that he will just make the most wonderful Daddy!  I hope and pray that this next one will work, but I know that even if we never have a biological child, someday, God will make us parents.  So, it looks like I will be putting a call into the clinic tomorrow.  I’m hoping they’ll let us give Clomid a try this time.  I’ve only gotten 1 mature follicle each time with the letrozole.  In the meantime, we’ll keep enjoying our life and the Blessings that God has given us.  I will keep working to get the toxins out of our house, cleaning up our eating and using our Young Living oils.  Despite this disappointment, life really is pretty darn good.  I have an Amazing husband, a loving and supportive family and some great friends.  I will not let this shake my Faith.  I have in the past and this time, I’m keeping my Faith in God solid!!!

 

Products I’m going to use to make my own personal care products with my Young Living Essential Oils!!!

Standing on my head…

Is it just me, or does anyone else feel like you should stand on your head for awhile after an IUI?  Laying flat for 15 minutes afterwards just doesn’t feel adequate enough to me, lol.  As you may have guessed, we went for IUI #2 on Saturday.  It’s been 10 months since our 1st IUI.  They upped my dosage on Letrozole by 5 mg this time and I took it cd3-7.  We had our mid cycle ultrasound this past Friday.  DH was unable to make it because he had to stay home and take care of the daycare kiddos.  My Mom was unfortunately bit by her cat the previous Sunday and has a useless left hand right now.  Apparently, cat bites can be as dangerous as the bite of a venomous snake bit according to the vet.  She’s been having to go to the hospital every 8 hours for IV antibiotics since last Wednesday.  So, moral of the story is, if you ever get more than a nip from a cat, go straight to the dr or hospital immediately.  Anyways, back to the ultrasound.  I really like our new clinic…so far it’s been all women that I’ve worked with which I kind of like.  They got me right in and were checking follicles and then they also wanted to check ovarian reserve and cervical length.  I had one 20mm follicle on my left ovary and then a 13mm on my right.  There was also other things on my right ovarian, they thought maybe a sac left over from last month or a cyst.  Nothing they were too worried about though.  They said the RE would look at the images for the other stuff and if this one doesn’t work she would use it to determine next steps.  I gave myself the trigger shot before I left the dr. office (DH did it last time) and we went in Sat. morning just before 11am to do the IUI since they’re not open on Sundays.  The IUI was still not pleasant but it was not nearly as bad as last time.  They have to use a tenaculam (or as I call it, the pliers) to pull on my cervix to get the catheter in.  The other clinic the RE took at least 30 minutes to do the procedure and I was in tears at least half the time.  This clinic I had a PA and she did it in less than 10 min with no tears.  DH’s post wash count was 70 million…way, way, up from last time.  I’m positive the old RE said it was only 5 million but the NP we talked at this clinic said 16 million was in our records….either way, it was way better than last time.  He has been using Young Living Blue Spruce to help bring his testosterone number up so I’m hoping that was part of it.  So on paper, our numbers are pretty good, but of course, as we all know, on paper means nothing when it comes to infertility.  So I’m officially in the 2WW and trying not to go crazy.  Using my progessence plus and gentle baby essential oils and just trying to stay calm and relaxed.  This is a crazy busy week so hopefully it’ll fly by and before I know it, the wait will be over.