IUI #5 is NOT a Go :(

$300 worth of follistim in my fridge that is open because we had to use a whole 25 iu’s of it last cycle.  $300 worth of follistim that I don’t get to use for IUI #5 because it will go bad by then.  Cysts on both ovaries this month so they didn’t want to do the cycle.  $300 worth of follistim that even though I probably shouldn’t…I AM going to use unmonitored.  I CANNOT throw $300 out the window right now.

Has anyone else ever done anything like this?  (Please make me feel better by saying yes, lol.)

I think it can only do good, not be harmful.  If I would have insisted, they would have let me cycle but they didn’t recommend it.  Oils were immediately applied to ovaries to hopefully help them shrink instead of getting bigger and bursting.  I really don’t want to go through that pain.  Hoping my Sister has clove oil that I can get from her so I can do the oral option too and not just topical.  If anyone wants that protocol it is:  rub orange, then frankincense and the basil on your lower abdomen.  It smells really good til you put the basil on, lol.  For some reason, I just do not love the smell of the basil oil.

In all honesty, Ladies, I was a hot mess yesterday.  I was such a hot mess, that I couldn’t even sit down to write this post.  Cycles get cancelled all the time, I get that.  It had more to do with the stress of money and throwing out that medicine then having to sit out a month.  On top of that, I didn’t see my usual Dr., I saw the one that comes from Madison to do the IVF cycles.  I’d never met her before and although she was nice enough, she wasn’t Dr. R  or even Megan or Jamie who usually do my IUI’s.  She didn’t really know my story so it was just hard to take that news from her.

She also said that she doesn’t see many follicles in (or on, not sure the right word for it) my ovaries.  Just by looking at the ultrasounds she doesn’t think our chances with IVF are very good, maybe 35%.  She had me go to the lab for a blood draw so they could test my AMH and she wants us to come in for an IVF consult week after next (more about that later).  Now, we were leaning more towards adoption then IVF anyways, but Girls, I was devastated….DEVASTATED!!!!   To feel like that option was just ripped away from us in case we did find the money to do it just tore me apart.  I bawled all the way home and in J’s arms for quite a while after I got home.  And on the phone with my Mom after J left to go to some benefit thing.

J doesn’t want to go to the IVF consult…he doesn’t want to go to any Dr. this month because he says I just get stressed out and he just wants to take the month off.  What he doesn’t seem to grasp is that just because we’re taking the month off from IUI’s and dr.’s, doesn’t mean I’m not going to stress (I REALLY SUCK at giving my worries over to God).

So where does this leave us?  I don’t totally know.  I’ll finish up the follistim because I can’t stand to waste it.  Do OPK’s and TI and Pray, Pray, Pray!  Hopefully the cysts will go away peacefully and gently without pain and we will be ready to do IUI#5 next cycle.  I don’t know how many more J will let me do.  Again, he’s totally freaking out about money and credit card debt.  I can’t really blame him though, it is a little scary.  If we’re not pregnant by the end of the year, we will put our names in to hopefully start the adoption process in January.

I need to Thank you Ladies for all the comments and Love you send my way.  They mean so, so, so much to me.  Although most of my friends and family are very supportive, no one, not even J, can understand the way you Girls can.  Sending much Love, thoughts, Prayers, Baby Dust and Hugs to you all!!!!

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On Hold

Good news….I get to put the IVF vs. Adoption decision on hold, at least for awhile.  I went to the clinic on Tuesday for a general ultrasound.  I also met the Dr. for the first time (I’ve always had a N.P or P.A. til now).  I really like her, although, I really like everyone I’ve worked with at the new clinic.  After looking at the pics from my ultrasound, she believes I have stage 2 or 3 endometriosis.  It amazes me that they are the first to suggest this when I’ve been having some of the symptoms since I was 15 or 16 years old!  I’m 37 now, that’s a lot of years!

Anyways, surgery is scheduled for June 6th.  Dr. Ryan believes that our chances of getting pregnant will go up about 30% after the surgery, she did not say whether this is naturally or through IUI but she did say that she doesn’t think we even need to contemplate IVF for at least 6 months.  I am on bcp until the surgery and then we can try on our own the cycle immediately following surgery.  We will also be on vacation then so maybe that will be helpful.  She said they will also dilate my cervix more than it needs to be so that should help with the cervical stenosis problem the month we try on our own and that just leaves the cervical fluid problem.  Hopefully, preseed will help with that.  She also said that if/when we do the next IUI, we will just use follistim.  She believes that the pills are really messing with my lining because they block estrogen and follistim will not do that.

I know most people do not look forward to surgery, but I am.  I wish schedules would allow me to get in sooner.  I am so happy to have some kind of answer on why the IUI’s haven’t been working.  I know this doesn’t guarantee that we will get pregnant naturally or with an IUI, but it gives me more hope that an IUI will work eventually.  Praying that I never have to make that IVF/Adoption decision.  We would still love to adopt one day, it’s something we planned on doing before we knew were infertile, but then we could do it on our own timeline.

Beat up

My acupuncturist told me Sat. morning that it looks like someone’s been beating me up the past couple of days.  That someone is “life”.  About 2:30 Friday afternoon, I started having pain on my left side, went to the bathroom and I was spotting.  By a little after 4 (and 1 daycare kid left to be picked up) the pain was strong and constant.  I kept it together until little one was picked up and then immediately called my Mom bawling.  J was at the bank and cleaning my car out because the guy that bought it was coming to pick it up at 5:30.

I have to say my Mom is the most wonderful, supportive and empathetic Mom I could have ever asked for.  I hate, hate, hate living even 30 minutes away from her.  I don’t know how I managed spending 12 years 1100 miles away from her.   My Sister, Mom and I were supposed to be teaching a Young Living class Fri. night at my Mom’s house and instead of hanging out with 2 of my favorite people I was doubled over in pain with what I can only assume from past experience, was an ovarian cyst bursting.  If J hadn’t been due home soon, she would have jumped in her truck and come to my house to take care of me.  Who cares that people were due at her house in a couple hours!  I absolutely Love that Woman!!! 🙂

Instead, J got home and we decided not to go into urgent care as I am still paying on my ER bill from the last time I had a cyst burst almost 2 years ago before I had insurance.  And really, all they ever tell me is that I had an ovarian cyst and it burst.  No sense giving them money for that.  Instead, hubby brought my oils in, layered pan away and deep relief, and put a heating pad on top of that.  It helped, especially if I stayed laying down.  By this morning, my stomach was still a bit tender all over, but the intense pain was gone.

Now, here we are, 2 days later, Mother’s Day, and I feel pretty much normal again.  Sad and hurt that another IUI went bust, but happy to not be in pain.  As I sit here, waiting for J’s family to show up for a bbq that we’ll apparently be having in pouring rain now, I know that I am very Blessed in certain areas of my life.  I just wish that God would answer this prayer.  Our next step is waiting to hear from the clinic on Monday.  The nurse wanted to get me in for an ultrasound late this coming week but I guess the Dr. is out of town so she needs to check with her and see if she wants to squeeze me in on Tuesday or wait for the 19th.  I’m hoping she wants to squeeze me in.  I’d like to start figuring out if I have endometriosis or not and what our next steps will be.  J is all for IVF, I’m not so sure.  If any of you out there reading this have been through it, would you mind sharing your story with me?

Happy Mother’s Day to each and every one of you!  We may not physically have our babies yet, but they are already in our hearts!

Google=My Enemy

I’m not entirely sure why, but I can’t seem to stay off Google this time around.  I had no problem last cycle.  I think it’s because we’re going to have to make a decision if this one doesn’t work.  Last month, I knew we’d just head right into another IUI cycle.  Now, we have big decisions ahead of us.  More IUI’s, IVF, or adoption?

I was firmly set on domestic infant adoption.  The agency we met with only adds a certain number of families each year depending on their numbers from the year before.  On one hand, I really like this because I like that they keep things to a certain number so you have more of a chance of being picked and hopefully not have to wait years and years.  On the other hand, they only get to add 7 this year.  They added 4 in January and they will add 3 more in June.  If there’s more than 3 families ready to proceed, they put the names in a lottery and pick.

I thought DH and I were on the same page but it turns out, he’s not ready to give up on IVF.  I, on the other hand, am scared to death.  I barely managed to get 2 mature follicles this last time with 4 days of follistim.  What if we spend all that money on meds and I hardly produce any eggs?  How much will it hurt?  The follistim didn’t hurt at all, but I don’t know what meds we’ll be on or where they will need to be injected.  And, have any studies been done on how all those hormones effect women years down the road?  Are my chances of cancer going to be increased because of all the drugs I’m injecting myself with?  I should really try and research and see if there’s any answers to that one.  I’m not great at researching and finding what I want, but I should at least try I suppose.

Now that we finally have moved onto injectables, does it make sense to try a couple more IUI’s?  There’s a cyst like sac on my right ovary that’s been there the past couple months so if this cycle doesn’t end with a bfp, they want to do an ultrasound to see what’s going on.  Possibly do laproscopy to see if I do indeed have endometriosis since I’ve always had painful periods.  If I have it, and they get it taken care of, then would it make sense to try a couple more IUI’s?

So many questions and fears right now.  DH says the decision is ultimately up to me, but I don’t want to make that decision by myself.  I don’t want him to later resent me if I choose adoption and we can’t afford to do IVF at a later date.  On top of that, I’m 37…they make 37 sound ancient in the IF world.  I am lucky that I have the most supportive DH and Family that anyone could ask for and I have several friends that I’ve been able to confide in.  Most of them have kids so they don’t know what it’s like, but they listen and are supportive.  Ultimately, I just need to find a way to stay relaxed these next 2 weeks.  Easier said then done.  Especially when it won’t stop raining here in WI.

It’s nothing like the movies…

I’ve always had a bad feeling that I was going to have a hard time getting pregnant.  However, never did I expect to be getting shots to increase my chances of an IUI working.  My RE did not want me to go to clomid.  Something about it messing with lining and apparently mine isn’t great enough that it can take the chance of being messed with (surprise, surprise).  So cd 3-7 we did letrozole at 7.5mg and cd 7-9 is 100iu’s of follistim.  We did the first injection yesterday afternoon.  It wasn’t too bad.  We read the instructions, talked to the nurse, and watched a youtube video before we actually got around to doing it.  DH gave me the shot.  I could probably do it myself but he seemed to want to do it.  I think because it makes him feel more a part of things.  It didn’t hurt going in, but a couple minutes after, it started to hurt.  Luckily, it didn’t last too long.  This week is National Infertility A.  Even though I thought I’d have a hard time getting pregnant, I never realized what it would actually entail.  I didn’t realize the science behind it.  I didn’t realize how difficult it is and now that I do know, it amazes me that all these people “accidentally” get pregnant.  It amazes me that my own Sister got pregnant with her 5th child while having an IUD in.  I thought infertility would be more like the movies where the single woman decided she wants to get pregnant, does an IUI and boom, she’s pregnant.  Was I ever wrong!!  Of course, they’re not infertile, they just haven’t found the right mate.   The dr. appts, the tests, the meds, the injections, the pain both physical and emotional, the financial side of it and we haven’t even moved onto IVF or Adoption yet.  Children are already expensive, but us infertiles have to spend a fortune just to get that child to begin with.   And then there is the guilt…oh boy is there guilt.  What if I would have had a better diet?  Exercised more?  What if I had stayed a virgin until I met my husband?   What if?  What if?  What if?  Most days I don’t let myself get bogged down with the What if?’s.   But some days, I can’t help myself.   And I still haven’t gotten control of my diet…I love sugar and carbs, I do not love veggies.  I love caffeine.  I finally managed to get away from my coffee every morning this last week, but I still have had 1 soda almost every day.  I have a love/hate relationship with exercise.  I will say one thing about infertility…it teaches you how strong you are, how resilient you can be.   I’ thankful that has only brought my husband and I closer and has not torn us apart.  It’s taught me to have more faith in God then I have ever had before.  And it’s taught me patience…something I don’t have a ton of.  I pray that by this time next year…we are all either holding our miracles or are carrying them in utero.  Thank you to all of you out there that understand exactly what I go through.  I don’t wish this on anyone, but it’s nice to know that there are others who understand.

Coming at it from all angles….

Infertility…it bites!  What bites even more is being in limbo.  Knowing that you’re infertile but not having the finances to really do anything about it.  Well, we have decided, finances be damned.  We are going after our greatest desire from every angle we can.  I am not getting any younger.  I just turned 37 last week and if we have to resort to IVF, our chances of succeeding just go down with each year.  DH and I have begun using Young Living Essential Oils to bring our hormones into balance, we have an appt. with a new Fertility Specialist next Tuesday that will hopefully listen to me a little more than the old one (after all, it is my body), we are going to have a consultation with an acupuncturist (just waiting for her to call back to set up appt.) and we’re meeting with an adoption agency on April 2nd.  One way or another, we know that God will Bless us with a baby.  In the mean time, we’re enjoying our time just the two of us, enjoying sleeping in and are taking a month off together this summer to do some traveling.  We know that we will never have $15,000 sitting around to do adoption or IVF so when the time comes, we will either take out a loan, fundraise on gofundme.com, apply for grants and scholarships or possible have to do all 3!!  We have been in limbo since July of 13′ so it feels GREAT to finally be proactive again.